Eleven Reasons why ESB is The Suxxor

1. Totally inconsistent mood. Why so much darker and grimmer than the first film? Lucas was angry he didn't win best picture, pandering to the adult market. Pshaw!

2. Boba Fett. What a lame character! Sure he looks cool (action figure alert!) but all he does is take advantage of the fact Han is too stupid to look in his rear-view mirror. Fett doesn't even capture Han and the gang, he just tattles to Vader. LAME SAUCE!

3. Super Jumps. If Jedi could do super-jumps, how is it Ben didn't just escape from Vader like Super Mario? Another example of Lucas making up the rules as he goes along to be 'cool'.

4. Stop Motion. We go from the great computer controlled camera/stationary model work in the first film, to this terrible IN YOUR FACE stop motion. It's not photorealistic, and can never be as good as real motion. Why doesn't Lucas understand that good effects are subtle! And don't get me started on building a super-walker that CANT SHOOT BEHIND IT OR TO THE SIDE!!!!!!

5. Yoda. I doubt his gimmicky backwards talk would stand up to linguistic analysis. Or, to analysis doubt I it would stand.

6. Repetition. Dude in the Cantina lost a hand. Luke loses a hand. BORING. Star Destroyers in the first movie. BIG Star Destroyer in the second movie. REAL CREATIVE GEORGE! Han's afaid of Jabba in the first movie, Han's afraid of Jabba in this one. GOOD GRIEF!!!!!!!!!

7. Snow. For real?!?! Huge portions of the world are covered in snow at least part of the year, but Lucas somehow thinks that it will fool us into thinking we're on anther planet? What utter rubbish!

8. Time. Luke learns to be a Jedi in like, 40 minutes. That or Han and Leia never change clothes for months. Either way it's crummy writing.

9. Racism. I don't mean Lando. I mean that there's a whole species of ugly little men called UGNAUTS!?!? I bet that idea is what killed Leigh Bracket.

10. No Continuity. Did these people even SEE "Star Wars"? Where's the beard guy who was the rebel leader? Did he die? And if "Wars not make one great" like muppet-Yoda says, why was Ben a general? The Falcon flew just fine, why is it broken now?!?!?

11. No respect for the EU. Luke and Vader already fought in "Splinter of the Minds Eye." How come Luke is so unprepared. Lucas is just pissing on Alan Dean Foster's work. Pissing on it!!!! PISSING!!!!!!!

The Millennium Falcon keeps breaking down (not just once), it's practically a joke.

So I take it that ESB is one better than Star Wars?  I guess that's about right.

Excellent! :D

Finally, someone's addressing the glaring flaws of this film. I'll continue. 

4) Poor use of characters. C-3PO helped to translate Artoo's beeps and provide exposition in A New Hope. All he does here is annoy other characters and get blasted by Imperials; just so he can be the wacky comedy relief. Way to ruin the dark tone of the film Lucas!

5) Sudden character betrayal. Lando's betrayal of the characters has absolutely no impact because he's been introduced in the film and we hardly know him. Now if beloved character "bearded Rebel guy who talked about the Death Star" had done it, then the audience would have had some real impact. 

6) No continuity. Why isn't Luke talking about Beru and Owen? They were his adoptive parents and not once does he mention them. Guess they just didn't matter. And why didn't we have a scene of Han reminiscing about shooting Greedo? That was a good scene and its never brought up again even when Han's dealing with another bounty hunter and talks about Jabba. What a waste.

7) Powers as the plot demands. So Ben can appear as apparition as well as speak to Luke. Well I'm glad that was explained. Oh wait, it wasn't.   

8) Offscreen shenanigans. Han had lots of money that he could have payed off to Jabba, yet there's no indication of why he didn't or what happened with it. Evidently Han ran into a bounty bounter on Ord Mantell which had a big impact on him. Yet we don't see any of it, not even a flashback. So I guess there was some other movie story that Lucas didn't feel was necessary for the audience to see. Real nice.

9) Discriminatory character treatment All the major figures get character development. All the human characters. Artoo, 3PO,and Chewie get nothing more than supporting roles and don't seem different at the end of the movie. This is the way Lucas treats beloved icons of popular culture. 

10) Inconsistent character points Lightsaber is the weapon of the Jedi Knight; Yoda never teaches Luke with it. Vader's appeared loyal to the Emperor in the past; is now offering to overthrow him. Luke reveres Ben's lessons about the Jedi including their weapons; still uses a blaster which was called a clumsy weapon. Was this movie made with the first draft of the script or something?

Hmph, what an absurd movie. 

sonnyboo just got PWNED!

haraldo23 said:

sonnyboo just got PWNED!

Don't attack him for his opinion! That's uncivilized...

Do we care?

And yea, ESB is the best of all the star wars movies. PT included. And Hoth became one of the most popular battles ever.

WhatsMyName said:

Do we care?

Do we care what they did with their medals?  Absolutely!  It was the biggest plot hole ever.

...

I take it you still don't understand this thread.

Davnes007 said:

And what about the Wampa? His/her character was never really given a proper introduction, or any development !

The Wampa was a one-dimensional cartoon villain, but being a side character at best, it doesn't seem out of place for a movie of this genre, so I think we can let that one slide.

The biggest problem with Empire is Vader only reveals the Luke is his son.  What about Leia?  Or Threepio or R5D4?

And why wasn't Ackbar in ESB?  Sure, Leia eventually figures out that Cloud City is a trap, but Ackbar could have saved them a TON of time.

But Vader didn't know that yet, because Leia was given a different surname!

Sluggo said:

The biggest problem with Empire is Vader only reveals the Luke is his son.  What about Leia?  Or Threepio or R5D4?

And why wasn't Ackbar in ESB?  Sure, Leia eventually figures out that Cloud City isy a trap, but Ackbar could have saved them a TON of time.

I once had a dream that I had to save my best friend by putting him inside a Tauntaun.  After that I climbed in after him and we watched Inception.

I don't understand why this wasn't in ESB.

hairy_hen said:

I once had a dream that I had to save my best friend by putting him inside a Tauntaun.  After that I climbed in after him and we watched Inception.

I don't understand why this wasn't in ESB.

I guess the stench must have put him off . . .

Maybe the rest of ESB is just Luke stuck in Tauntaun limbo.  That would explain why it's Teh Suxxor.

That business with Dack always botherd me as a kid, I mean he could have been unconcious, and my hero Luke doesn't even make any effort to help him. I was a bit let down.

I was let down too by BobaFett outwitting Han by flying in his blind spot. My child mind dealt with this trauma by assuming he was using some sort of cloaking device.

I was confused also by Vader one minute being on cloud city then on board his stardestroyer the next. I never could work it out ...... unless it has something to do with his mention of bringing his shuttle.

twooffour said:

haraldo23 said:

sonnyboo just got PWNED!

Don't attack him for his opinion! That's uncivilized...

He got pwned. Fact.

But... but you can't treat opinions as facts! Everyone is right in their own way!

haraldo23 said:

sonnyboo just got PWNED!

While Sonny's blog was a catalyst to the idea, I didn't mean to directly attack him, although I do see it totally came off that way.

What really annoyed me was the "50 Reasons ROTJ Sucks" list linked to in that thread. I even remember a thread where some dude said the Saga was stupid because Yoda said "Size matters not" but Obi didn't just hurl the Death Star into the sun.

Besides me just taking a piss, I hope this list and the other one is kind of a commentary on what I see are weak arguments against a lot of things: ROTJ, hating the PT, hating CGI, giving Lucas a sinister purpose to every decision in the creative process, condemning the movies for not being what we would have done, constant talk about "missed opportunities," liking things in the OT while condemning the same thing in the PT.

And while I don't want to get into the opinion vs. fact debate, not all art is subjective. There are objective points to be made, and some are stronger than others.

And of course, I hope the thread's a hoot.