Mike O said:
I just slipped again. This is horrible. I can’t stop. It’s getting worse.You might try to find some way of limiting your internet access so that you’re not tempted to look at things that distress you. I know it’s hard, but you’re going to have to stop yourself from accessing these videos in the same way that someone who is trying to lose weight mustn’t have certain foods in the house. What you have described is almost certainly a form of obsession, but it also sounds like a kind of addiction too, so you have to avoid people, places, and paraphernalia – in other words, anything that might cause you to slip.
I don’t know how to articulate this, but I feel like I CAN’T stop. It’s incredibly stupid, but it feels like some sort of physical compulsion. Like a need. To do something which I know will upset me. It’s so stupid. All of this stuff is old anyway. These arguments-on both sides-have been pretty throughly run through. Hell, I went through them in philosophy classes in school endlessly. I don’t want to think about this anymore!! I outlined my personal spiritual beliefs above. That’s what I think. I went through all of this shit before! I came to these conclusions! It just endlessly circular! I can hear the sneering atheists arguing that I’m attempting to convince myself of something I “know” is “wrong,” but as outlined above, I don’t see it that way. And so what? How does theological debate help me with my day-to-day life? I’d give my soul to the devil to take back the forum posts that caused this whole debacle. I want to be able to watch a television show which depicts or has characters talking about these issues and observe the intellectual distance I did previously. I want to be able to read books and comic again, watch movies again, watch TV again, do things I enjoy again without this literally gnawing away at my mind. But I can’t. It’s horrifying. I can’t stop! I don’t know how to take this to a therapist because I have absolutely no idea what she’ll say! My mother found one, we’re checking if my insurance covers her. She’s well-reviewed. I want to cry, to sob. I’m tired of this. I want it to stop! I want to just go to sleep. Stay asleep so this will stop. It’s so horrible.
I feel your pain man. Please hang in there. Know you’re not alone in this. You’ve got some pals here who care. And you’ve got some good advice so far. But this fight’s a bit higher than you’re ready for. So I’m glad you’ve got your mother’s help in this. Man if mine had been around when I was going off the rails. Holy ****.
But on the side of religion it’s cool to believe in God. It’s a fine thing to want to hope for a future beyond the future end. Have you tried praying your rosary lately? I mean sometimes it was the only thing keeping me from pulling out my own hair. Try some time in adoration or in Church. Quiet time. Alone and in prayer. Ask your mom to bring you to a place like that. A calming place away from computers and phones and screens.
I don’t know what else to say. Just need to flip a switch somewhere in your head. Need to get you into a calmer place. Then maybe the rational can start feeding you again. Wish I could hold you man. Wish I could console you. But all I’ve got is words.
Still. I’ll pray for you. It can’t hurt.
Peace Mike.
-Trident