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Post #617285

Author
Warbler
Parent topic
The Armchair Movie Critic thread
Link to post in topic
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/617285/action/topic#617285
Date created
31-Dec-2012, 5:03 PM

darth_ender said:

Yes, this is self-depracating humor for all of us.  It's really not intended to target or offend anyone, but rather an opportunity for us all to consider how we view movies, and maybe take a step back.

I'll start.  And though I deliberately didn't start this in the General Star Wars thread, to illustrate my point I'll begin with the Holy Grail of originaltrilogy.com.  That's right, I'm going to critique The Empire Strikes Back:

1. It takes years to travel at the speed of light from one star system to another.  But in this movie, without light speeds, the Falcon can cover those distances (from Hoth to Anoat to Bespin) in months at most (if we stretch our timeframe, which really is never very clear, but I don't think even Hoth to Anoat was more than a day).

2. Which way is down on that asteroid.  It appears as if Leia, Han, and Chewie are standing on what turns out to be the tongue of the space slug.  Considering the slug's position, wouldn't that make gravity pull them sideways?

3. And how was gravity so strong?  Seems like earth gravity on this relatively small celestial body?

4. And if there were no atmosphere, their blood would boil and their vessels burst in response to the pressure difference.

5. What were the Rebels thinking during the Battle of Hoth?  Every single Rebel troop in that trench wasted his time and many their lives by shooting at those walkers.

6. Why did Rogue Squadron, Luke included, target the walkers that were clearly less of a threat?  They took down the generic walkers that weren't as close to the shield generator.  They should have focused on the closest first.

7. How did Fett get to Cloud City, call the Empire there, and all the wheeling and dealing get done before Han and Co. arrived?  He couldn't have possibly done so without knowing where they were going, and at the speeds they were headed, there was little he could have done to determine that for quite some time.

8. Doesn't the Falcon have any sensors, or even a rearview mirror, to know they were being tracked?

9. Doesn't the Star Destroyer have some kind of surface sensor to know there was something attached to them?

10. Asteroids are never that close in a real field.  If the field were that dense, it would actually be a dust cloud.

11. "No.  No.  That's not true.  That's impossible!  Nooooooo, noooo!"  Return of the Whiner.

12. Luke struck Vader's arm pretty hard with his lightsaber.  How come it did so little damage?  If a walker's armor can be so easily pierced by a lightsaber, I can't imagine Vader's armor is tougher.

13. Luke kept his fighter "on manual for a while."  Again, celestial distances are much larger than most realize.

14. It never is very clear that Luke flew sideways into the suction shaft.  I know I'm not the only one who thought that was the bottom of the pit rather than the side.

15. Why is Wedge still around?  That guy never does anything but survive.  He's now Rogue 3, when all he did in the last movie was run instead of getting behind Vader and his wingmen and defend Luke and Biggs.

16. The movie drags in the middle.  We get a lot of spiritual stuff and a lot of cheesy romance, while the plot takes a long time to get somewhere.

17. Luke's a moron.  He goes to Cloud City to rescue Han and Leia, but he forgets about it so he can simply satisfy his pride and face Vader in an obvious trap (as if Leia's warning weren't enough).

18. How do mynoks fly with those bat-like wings?  Last I checked, there's no air in space.

19. Why do the TIE fighters get whacked to death by asteroids, the smaller star destroyer loses its bridge from an asteroid, and yet the Executor flies through the field untouched?

20. Why do all the ships, regardless of their shape and the direction of the indeterminable light source, cast circular shadows during the asteroid flight?

 

 

*kicks darth_ender out of the forum*