Your alternate crawl sounds good, but I always find it hard to tell without seeing it in motion. Though I’m not sure about “awaiting the return of the legendary Luke Skywalker”, I’d go with something on reigniting the rebellion here instead. Also, I’d say farthest rather than furthest in paragraph two.
Your idea for Holdo in TFA is interesting. If you could make it work, I think a close up of Holdo (something like with Korr Sella on the planet) would be great.