The galaxy is in peril.
Far from the worlds
of the New Republic,
a sinister FIRST ORDER
is building a weapon that
can devour an entire star.Haunted by visions of
this devastating weapon,
the disgraced General
Leia Organa mobilizes
a covert Resistance in
an attempt to stave off
this impending disaster.While on a daring mission,
her most trusted pilot has
found a clue to the location
of Leia’s long-lost brother,
the last of the Jedi Knights
and their only hope against
the evil First Order…
I like this one a lot better. I suggest changing it to “entire stars” at the end of the first paragraph. Also changing “weapon” to “power” & “stave off” back to “forestall” or even “thwart.” “Disaster” implies Leia foreknows a specific event, perhaps reword to “threat” or something.
Third paragraph could begin with, “On a daring mission to a distant world…”
EDIT: Posting whole crawl for effect:
The galaxy is in peril.
Far from the worlds
of the New Republic,
a sinister FIRST ORDER
is building a weapon that
can devour entire stars.
Haunted by visions of
this devastating power,
the disgraced General
Leia Organa mobilizes
a covert Resistance in
an attempt to forestall
this impending doom.
On a daring mission to a
distant world, her most trusted
pilot has found a clue to the
location of Leia’s long-lost
brother, the last of the Jedi
Knights and their only hope
against the evil First Order…