It’s subjective, of course, but that line doesn’t really work for me. Feels off in delivery and wording.
About the Ackbar line, I think it remains a hypothetical idea. If we use this new Snoke scene, I don’t think it’d make sense to use that line, as the X-Wing fighters noticing the hole in the oscillator would be later, where it originally featured in the theatrical version.
Don’t know if you missed this:
Indeed, I did. Thank you. Here’s a link: https://www.dropbox.com/s/qdu82vtvenj87ne/TFA SKB restructure%233C737CB.mov?dl=0