Just want to vent a little. Sorry that this is long, feel free to skip it. It just feels better to get this out.
Sigh. Long day at work. Holiday is coming, and we were pretty packed. Came home to some minor obsessive thoughts and some compulsions to go with them. I know that I’m better as compared to how bad this used to be, but that doesn’t really take the sting out of when it happens. I’m starting to come to terms with the fact, and I’d give anything to be wrong, that I’m not going to ever be back to normal, and that this fucked up way my brain works is something I’m just going to have to live with for the rest of my life. Really doesn’t make me feel good, but I suppose at least I’ve considered the idea. My faith is, I guess, permanently broken. I don’t want to think about that, much less live with it, but I think I’m going to start to have to. I’m just tired of obsessing about this every time I hit a stimulus and oftentimes when I don’t. I’m just so fvcking tired of this shit. I had a normalcy once, but it just doesn’t feel like I can ever go back to it.
Anyway, I see my new therapist on Wednesday. I still feel very uncomfortable broaching any of the subjects that I’m dealing with, especially knowing his religious affiliation. Of course, any therapist worth his salt wouldn’t judge me and would be open-minded. I know that. But I keep telling myself that I have no interest in being anti-religion or anything like that, so why am I so goddamn obsessed with it?! I’m tired of being consumed about this. It’s just so hard to even think about approaching the subject. My last therapist tried to get me into ERP for the stimulus, and I should’ve fucking listened. God, I should’ve listened. Anyway, he’s looking into Mindfulness. I know I should listen this time, and at least I’m going to try, or so I keep telling myself. I’m just worried that I’m using OCD and everything to mask the fact that I’ve lost my faith. But that is-or should be-wholly different from wanting to fight against things or God forbid, lock horns with my parents, which I categorically don’t want to do. Whenever my dad goes on one of his far-right rants, I’m always just able to write it off and live with the fact that he’ll never change. I just wish I knew why the fuck I can’t do the same fucking thing with Matt Dillahunty. It’d solve like 90% of these problems, and maybe I could start focusing on real-life issues and trying to salvage what years I still have while I still can.
Sorry. Just wanted to vent a little.