Here’s a mockup of the scene without Rey’s running away lines:
https://vimeo.com/237337603
Password: rey

I tried to do something different with the cuts and music before her lines, but Ridley’s version is better in that regard. I think the line omissions could work though.

One thing I thought of after uploading - The shot where Rey sees the attack force is worse than superfluous, now that we see the Finalizer. It also makes no tactical sense for Rey to go back to the castle since she has no hope of outrunning fighters that are already overhead, and indeed we see the results of her tactical error directly afterward.

Instead, she could look up into a deceptively clear sky, alerted by the sound of distant TIE fighters. This would also be a callback to the similar situation on Jakku - an organic form of character growth. The Apocalypse Now TIES would tie (sorry) into this idea, and it would make sense to seek shelter in the castle.

It’s funny, how many problems (and solutions) can cascade from a gentle restructure.