Okay, a lot’s happened in the last week, so long story ahead.
Last sunday night I was going on one of my signature late-night, self-loathing, homophobic, text rants, but this one was to a friend who I hadn’t really talked to in years so he didn’t know how bad I was. He contacted my parents and told them about my self-image issues and my crippling fear of college, the future, and the suicidal thoughts that accompanied (I assume he didn’t mention my bisexuality because I haven’t been stoned to death yet). So they talked to me for a few hours on monday night, took me to the doctor wednesday morning, and now I’m on various medication (Prozac, a sleeping pill, and some other anxiety thing). I haven’t noticed much change yet, but now I’m worried about it because if I do start to hate myself less, then end up outing myself/end up living my life as a proud march into hell, then I’m worse off than I was before, if any of that makes sense (it does in my screwed up head, anyway).
Anyway, that’s the (short version of) the story of the last week or so.
IMO if you were even half-serious about suicidal thoughts, your friend made the right call. And if he didn’t out you to your parents, he made two difficult right calls in a row.
Keep this friend.
As for the medication, assuming your doctor knows what they’re doing; it’s honestly probably a good thing. Anxiety and depression can be crippling, and a little medication doesn’t solve your problems or change your personality so much as lift a little of the weight and let you start moving forward again. I wouldn’t worry about accidentally outing yourself on some happy pill overdose. Being in the closet is frequently not about self-loathing. It’s about self-preservation. You obviously value yourself enough already to know how to avoid a stoning, and I think valuing yourself more isn’t going to make you suddenly risk it.
And self-loathing ain’t such a bad gig. If you seem a decent fellow, the rest of the world will see your self-loathing as humility, and will infuriatingly love you more for it. And you seem a decent fellow.