Sigh. I’ve had TWO WEEKS of vacation. Lots of people would die for that. I’ve TRIED to fight against my depression and OCD, but it’s so hard. I’ve gone out with friends twice, with family once (going to be twice, and hopefully three times), but I can barely enjoy ANYTHING. I have to go back to work on Monday, and can barely stand the the thought, but it’s not like I’m deriving any pleasure from my time off. I had a huge compulsion binge today. I’m beginning to think that I’m going to have to live with the fact that my faith is cracked, and just can’t deal with it, but that’s still no reason for this obsessive behavior and thoughts.

I completed a psychoanalytic evaluation. I’m depressed and obsessive, which I could’ve told them, but apparently I’m a therapist’s dream because I’m self-aware and full of potential. But I couldn’t even DO the ERP my last therapist assigned me. I didn’t listen, then I complain that I don’t feel better. I kind of wish I could apologize to him. I just…feel stuck. If I’m not willing to put in the effort, I waste a therapist’s time. They’ll be submitting my analysis data to my psychiatrist, and hopefully he’ll recommend someone. I see him again in a week or two. But my mysterious compulsion to do things multiple times isn’t getting better in the meantime even after I indulge the compulsions. I’m tired of this. I just want to sit down and watch some TV or read and relax. I want my brain back. What’s happening to me? Why is this happening to me? I was fine a year or so ago, and had REAL problems. This is so fucking stupid.