Now that’s you’re rewritting it, I wonder if “in secret” is necessary, since the FO is quite known by everyone in the movie (people of Jakku, Han, the NR, Maz, various bounty hunters and smugglers).
Luke Skywalker has vanished. In his absence, the sinister FIRST ORDER has risen from the burning ashes of the fallen Empire, plotting their return to power.
(yep, burning ashes… sorry about that 😄 to imply it was a fast recovery after their defeat. It sounds cool but it might not be necessary at all)
nitpicking level: + 150 XP