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Cookie MOnsters favorite jokes!
Cookie MOnsters favorite jokes! :: 1 > 12
Cookie Monster
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Hi guys!
I love jokes, and I have not really seen to many here. And I want to have my own thread. So I will post my favorite jokes here. To start off I have the advice from dad. Have a cookie and enjoy!
Advice From Dad
A young boy and his dad went out fishing one fine morning. After a few quiet hours out in the boat, the boy became curious about the world around him. He looked up at his dad and asked "How do fish breath under water?"
His dad thought about it for a moment, then replied, "I really don't know, son."
The boy sat quietly from another moment, then turned back to his dad and asked, "How does our boat float on the water?"
Once again his dad replied, "Don’t know, son."
Pondering his thoughts again, a short while later, the boy asks "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, his dad replied. "Don’t know, son."
The inquisitive boy, worried he was annoying his father, asks this time "Dad, do you mind that I'm asking you all of these questions?"
"Of course not son." replied his dad, "How else are you ever going to learn anything?"
Murry Sparkles
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A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel between his legs and orders a drink , the bar man gives him his drink then says ; hey mate you have a steering wheel between your legs , the man holding the drink looks at the steering wheel and says to the barman: i know , its driving me nuts .
HotRod
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Never rub another man's rhubarb!Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in court getting a divorce.
The judge turns to Mickey and says "Having bucked teeth is no grounds for a divorce"
Mickey replies to the judge "I didn't say she had bucked teeth, I said she was fucking Goofy"
Cookie Monster
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come on guys! I didnt join up for that kind of language. Lets keep it clean, ok!
Here:
NEW DICTIONARY
ADULT :
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing
in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR :
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL :
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS :
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE :
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST :
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST :
Someone me-deep in conversation
GOSSIP :
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF :
Cold Storage.
INFLATION :
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MYTH:
A female moth.
MOSQUITO :
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN :
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET :
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON :
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE :
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW :
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN :
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES :
Something other people have. You have character lines.
vote_for_palpatine
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Host extraordinare of "THE VFP Show"!Apparently my dad is an OT.com member, what with all of these lame forwards we're getting here. I didn't think he was a Cookie Monster fan.
Want to book yourself or a guest on THE VFP Show? PM me!
Bingowings
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Magister Pontifex MaximusOnce upon a time there were these identical twins, who, in defiance of all we know about the genetic basis of intelligence, were anything but identical mentally. One of them was, quite frankly, stupid, while the other was very sharp indeed. In fact, he was a master of ready wit and stunning repartee.
One evening the stupid twin went to a circus that happened to be in town. He went early so he could get a good seat in the front row, right beside the ring, and he thoroughly enjoyed the experience. He marvelled at the elephants, cowered from the lions, and gaped at the trapeze artists in their skimpy costumes; he reacted exactly the way he was meant to.
Last of all, on came the clowns. They were his favourite bit of the circus. All that falling over, all that water, all those custard pies - it was hilarious. The lead clown was the most ludicrous of the lot: he had bigger shoes, baggier trousers, brighter make-up and the most enormous red nose. And part of the lead clown's job was to make fun of people in the audience.
So the clown looked around for someone to hassle, and saw a rather stupid-looking man sitting right in the front row. Ideal. He went up to the stupid twin and said:
"Sir, are you the front end of an ass?"
The stupid man sat there wishing that he hadn't come, wishing that the clown would go away and pick on someone else. He knew he wasn't very intelligent, and he knew he would come out of this looking very foolish. But he spoke up. "No," he said.
"Sir, are you the back end of an ass?" the clown continued.
"No, I'm not," the stupid man replied.
"Then, sir," the clown said slowly, letting the audience savour the moment, "you are no end of an ass!"
The audience, having a fairly poor sense of humour, erupted into laughter. The stupid man just wished he could die. Fortunately for him, the show was soon over.
When he got home, the stupid man told his brother what had happened.
"Don't worry," said the master of ready wit and stunning repartee, "I am a master of ready wit and stunning repartee. Tomorrow night I will go to the circus and make that clown look foolish."
So the next night, the master of ready wit and stunning repartee went to the circus, and got a front row seat. Being an intelligent man, he was considerably less impressed by the sight of dumb animals being made to do tricks, although he had to admit that the trapeze artists were rather tasty.
Then the clowns came out, and the one with the biggest shoes, baggiest trousers, brightest make-up and most ludicrously over-sized nose looked around the audience for someone to make fun of. He could not believe his luck. There, sitting in the front row, was the stupid man he'd got such a laugh out of the night before. So the clown approached the master of ready wit and stunning repartee and asked:
"Sir, are you the front end of an ass?"
"No," said the master of ready wit and stunning repartee.
"Sir, are you the back end of an ass?" the clown continued.
"No, I'm not," replied the master of ready wit and stunning repartee.
"Then, sir," said the clown, "you are no end of an ass!" The crowd went wild with laughter. The joke went down even better than it had the night before, and the clown felt on top of the world.
But just then the master of ready wit and stunning repartee stood up, smiled sadistically and said
Say goodbye, to all this and "hello" to Jason Issacs.
TV's Frink
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Likes Lens FlairsTV'S FRINK: Knock knock.
COOKIE MONSTER: Who's there?
TV'S FRINK: Cookies.
COOKIE MONSTER: Cookies who?
TV'S FRINK: Cookies are fucking delicious!
COOKIE MONSTER: ZOMG LOLZ!!!
vote_for_palpatine
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Host extraordinare of "THE VFP Show"!Dudes, Cookie Monster doesn't want any goddamn cussing in his motherfucking thread. Didn't he make this shit clear enough? Bunch of cocksuckers, all of you.
Want to book yourself or a guest on THE VFP Show? PM me!
bkev
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Child is the Father of the ManNo seriously. Let's respect his wishes.
EyeShotFirst
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Return to Form, or Forum in this case!!A retirement home just on the outskirts of town had a fun day once a month. Well, the administrator thought it would be nice for the old folks to see a magic show.
She called up a local magician named Freddie MacMagic.
He performed disappearing tricks and pulled rabbits out of hats, the usual.
Then for his grand finale he pulled out an old golden watch.
He held it up for the audience and said "This watch has been in my family for years and years. It is made of solid gold and it keeps perfect time."
He began to swing it from the left and to the right.
"You all are under my control. Bark like a dog." The audience barked
"Now, Pat your head and rub your belly." The audience did as told
He continued swinging the watch back and forth. Suddenly the chain snapped and the watch fell to the floor.
"Shit!!!!" screamed the magician.
It took months to clean up that place.
"The other versions will disappear. Even the 35 million tapes of Star Wars out there won't last more than 30 or 40 years. A hundred years from now, the only version of the movie that anyone will remember will be the DVD version [of the Special Edition], and you'll be able to project it on a 20' by 40' screen with perfect quality. I think it's the director's prerogative, not the studio's to go back and reinvent a movie." - George Lucas
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Cookie Monster
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Ok guys, ha ha. I get the joke. Let's just please keep things clean ok!
Heres a cookie joke!
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife....."Back off!" she said, they're for the funeral."
vote_for_palpatine
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Host extraordinare of "THE VFP Show"!CM, I was just fooling around and I'm glad you're good humored enough to realize that. I won't do it anymore.
Though I do stand by my statement about these father-quality jokes.
Want to book yourself or a guest on THE VFP Show? PM me!
TV's Frink
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Likes Lens FlairsYes, I was joking too. One thing I've learned here is that the fastest way to get people to do something is to ask them not to do it,lol.
No more swearing from me here from now on.
xhonzi
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of Earth.Bingowings:
But just then the master of ready wit and stunning repartee stood up, smiled sadistically and said
I can't see the picture... is that the joke? There's no punchline?
IT'S MY TRILOGY, AND I WANT IT NOW!
"[George Lucas] rebooted the franchise in 1997 without telling anyone." -skyjedi2005
"Yeah, well, George says a lot of things..." a young 1997 xhonzi on RASSM
"They're my movies." -George Lucas. 19 people won oscars for their work on Star Wars (1977) and George Lucas wasn't one of them.
TV's Frink
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Likes Lens FlairsThere was a bad word there originally. PM me if you want the shocking details!
btw, this swearing thing reminds me of our old pal VINH and what he'd think of this thread. Where did that guy go?
HotRod
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Never rub another man's rhubarb!There were these two horses standing at the bar. One said to the other "how ya doin?"...other replied, "not so good...the other day I was in a race and there were so many GREAT horses and jockeys I figured 'screw it', I ain't runnin' this race and all of a sudden WHOOSH! UP MY ASS! and I won by a head."
The other horse said, "no kiddin' yesterday I was in a race and the same thing...I figured 'screw it', I ain't runnin' and half way around the track...WHOOSH! UP MY ASS! and I won!"
This greyhound walks up to the two horses and says, "'scuse me but I couldn't help but overhear you guys. Just today I was in a race and there were so many great dogs I figured 'screw it' I ain't runnin' in this race. All of a sudden WHOOSH! UP MY ASS! and I won by a length!!
One horse looked at the other and said, "WELL FUCK ME, A TALKIN' DOG!!!"
Bingowings
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Magister Pontifex MaximusI actually think the censored version is funnier because the imagination can fill in the blanks with all manner of filth better than any punchline writer (and you know it's filth because it's censored).
Say goodbye, to all this and "hello" to Jason Issacs.
xhonzi
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of Earth.Yeah, Frink sent me the punchline. It was actually much funnier to have the punchline censored after such A LONG JOKE.
IT'S MY TRILOGY, AND I WANT IT NOW!
"[George Lucas] rebooted the franchise in 1997 without telling anyone." -skyjedi2005
"Yeah, well, George says a lot of things..." a young 1997 xhonzi on RASSM
"They're my movies." -George Lucas. 19 people won oscars for their work on Star Wars (1977) and George Lucas wasn't one of them.
TV's Frink
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Likes Lens FlairsSo I don't break the forum:
http://www.innocentenglish.com/best-funny-jokes/longest-joke-ever.html
xhonzi
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of Earth.I'm not reading that, but I will concede that it IS indeed longer.
IT'S MY TRILOGY, AND I WANT IT NOW!
"[George Lucas] rebooted the franchise in 1997 without telling anyone." -skyjedi2005
"Yeah, well, George says a lot of things..." a young 1997 xhonzi on RASSM
"They're my movies." -George Lucas. 19 people won oscars for their work on Star Wars (1977) and George Lucas wasn't one of them.
C3PX
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Saint (and Fink is a drut wolley diputs)TV's Frink said:
TV'S FRINK: Knock knock.
COOKIE MONSTER: Who's there?
TV'S FRINK: Cookies.
COOKIE MONSTER: Cookies who?
TV'S FRINK: Cookies are fucking delicious!
COOKIE MONSTER: ZOMG LOLZ!!!
Fink, kind of funny you act this way after getting on ABC for not respecting your wishes regarding what is posted in your thread.
"Every time Warb sighs, an angel falls into a vat of mapel syrup." - Gaffer Tape
TV's Frink
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Likes Lens FlairsIt's a valid point, and I apologize to Cookie Monster. As I said earlier, I won't swear in this thread again.
HotRod
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Never rub another man's rhubarb!Haha...I will, but then I've got a real potty mouth and can't help it!
C3PX
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Saint (and Fink is a drut wolley diputs)Yeah, I saw your apology. That is good. I was just surprised, that is all.
"Every time Warb sighs, an angel falls into a vat of mapel syrup." - Gaffer Tape
TV's Frink
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Likes Lens FlairsBut you gotta admit you laughed a little.
ADMIT IT NOW OR IT WILL BE F-BOMBS GALORE!!!
Cookie MOnsters favorite jokes!