Well, after lots of wavering back and forth I've decided to post my in progress treatment for the re-written Star Wars Prequels. Part of me wanted to wait till I had it completely finished, but I enjoy this forum enough and like the posters here too much to not have them read it. I'll use this as the omnibus thread of sorts, posting more sections of it as I go along; hopefully getting to the latter two prequels as well. But without further ado I present:

Star Wars Episode I: Son of the Suns

Opening crawl establishes that the Galactic Republic is in troubled times, with bureaucratic problems and party politics crippling many star systems, especially those in the outer rim. To make matters worse, various trade vessels and citizens have begun to disappear there as well, and certain parties in the Republic are starting to fear something much bigger is going on…

Film opens up with a camera pan of various gorgeous spacecraft, with a small cruiser ship at the forefront of the small fleet. Camera zooms into the back of the ship’s window passing various sections until it reaches the bridge and we are introduced to Darelda Organa overlooking the view screen. She’s a half alien humanoid woman with semi-exotic features. In the distance there is a small, unassuming ship that Darelda’s attention is focused on. 

An officer on the bridge expresses some doubt about working with the likes of them, and Darelda says they’re kind can be a bit peculiar but states that if their business in the Outer Rim is something major, he’ll prove helpful. With some vocal authority, she communicates to the small ship that they are in no mood to wait for him. 

A voice responds somewhat cheekily that some small adjustments to this ship shouldn’t take long and that he’ll meet them at the rendezvous point soon. Darelda rolls her eyes and mutters: “Guardians of peace and justice, right.” The fleet jumps to light speed.

Cut to inside the small ship, where we make out a helmeted man with goggles flipping switches. On the verge of sending out a communication he stops, sensing something and getting very tense. He looks out the view screen, seeing nothing, but seemingly reacting to some unknown threat. For several moments there is silence.

Then out of nowhere various blasters appear and head towards the ship. The pilot only barely moves out of the way in time, but is hit by succeeding blasts. Maneuvering his ship as best as he can, the pilot weaves back and forth trying to avoid getting hit. Only now is there a good look at the other fighter, a tightly packed vessel with a sharp and harsh angles. The smaller ship is hit several times, and out of desperation the pilot moves the ship towards the nearby dessert world.

Cut to the planet Tatooine where we see a masked welder working on a piece of machinery, who notices the ships blasting in the sky through a window. A young Owen Lars in heavy robes walks in and addresses the welder as Anakin, and starts to describe the moisture farm, only for the welder to unmask and reveal Carima Niwir, a dirty blond haired human woman in her mid 20s. 

We overhear another man’s voice and then reveal a dark haired Anakin Skywalker in his late 20s standing at the doorway, eyebrow raised “Little short to be me don’t you think?”

Dialogue scene follows establishing Owen as a slightly hyperactive busy man, and Anakin as the confident down to earth type, and Carima as the wide-eyed observer. Owen goes into detail about the immediate plans for the farm, and how where and what they need to invest in. Anakin assures him they’ll go into detail later, and it’s established that he and Carima have been working together on a spice freighter for some time.

Owen departs, telling Anakin he’s got some specific business plans back home. Anakin takes a look at the welded machinery and admires Niwir’s mechanical handiwork. She replies that it’s amazing with all the effort he spends trying to get piloting time in that he’s almost as skilled as her at it. “What you mean almost?” She smirks at him. “Oh, you’re good Skywalker, but not that good.”

He jokes that he’s good enough to not take naps on freighter all the time, which she adamantly denies. The two share a smile and start strolling along Mos Eisley, a developing city with different sets of buildings being constructed and remade

As the two walk, they notice a group of tough looking bounty hunters bullying a local shop owner; Carima acknowledges that they probably work for one of the Hutts. Anakin starts to get involved, but she holds him back, claiming it’s not their fight. Getting in their speeder they head out to Anchorhead. Anakin expresses some dissatisfaction with how things are going, pointing out he could be doing much more instead of being a run of the mill navigator.

Niwir disagrees and states that with the commercial interest on the planet, the navigator job, and the family farm, he’ll soon be living better than anyone on the planet, maybe even including the gangster types in Mos Eisley. Anakin remains unconvinced. “With all the things going on the in the Republic, I don’t think another guy getting rich is what it really needs right now.”

After he drops her off at Anchorhead, Anakin senses something occurring in the Jundland Wastes. Intrigued and concerned he heads over. Cut to the crashed vessel where we see the pilot crawl out, his navy blue jumpsuit somewhat damaged. As he recovers from the crash the same attacking vessel appears, readying its gun cannons.

However before it can act, blaster fire begins shooting at it, and the two see Anakin firing at it from behind a boulder. With the distraction, the pilot in the jumpsuit darts away and begins to climb the nearby cliffside. The now visible ship moves towards Anakin and starts attacking with Skywalker doing his best to hide. The ship manages to fire a small device on the speeder which Anakin doesn’t notice. 

The two play a cat and mouse game, and Anakin is eventually cornered, only for the pilot from before to jump atop the ship and to Skywalker’s awe, pulls out a lasersword and plunges it into the deck of the vessel before jumping off. With jagged motions the ship moves off, and tries to make another pass at firing. Ready this time, the pilot dodges and cuts off the tail end of the ship, sending it into a tailspin. It eventually spins off into a deep canyon, where it is heard crashing.

Anakin approaches the pilot, who removes his helmet to reveal a bearded man in his late 30s with soft brown eyes. The pilot is a bit reticent, but thanks Anakin for the help. Skwyalker asks how he ended up here, and he explains that his ship was attacked and that the planet was his best chance to get away.

When asked if Anakin had heard or seen the crash, he states that no and he just felt that something was happening, which the pilot subtly notes. Noticing his limp, Anakin offers to take him back to his home to get healed up, which the he thinks about before accepting. Skywalker introduces himself and the pilot reveals his name: Ben.

Cut to shot in space where the same fleet as before surrounds a medium sized trade ship. Inside the lead cruise vessel Organa, clearly annoyed, asks if there’s been any update, but a robotic voice informs her that no vessel has come into the system since the fleet arrived. She concludes they don’t have time wait and initiates communication with the trade ship the Diamond Dynasty.

Inside the ship is a well dressed, yet slightly sleazy captain, Draezin Kwade. His command area is the height of decadence with various small goods, drinks, and vices all around. A medium haired female Chiss, Bracett is at his side, acting as his aide. Most of the crew working inside is out of sight. In a visual communication with Darelda, he lays on the charm and attempts some pleasantries, but the short tempered Senator is in no mood for it. 

She makes it clear she believes him to be a criminal, despite the man’s assurances that he’s simply looking after his neighbors and business associates. His stealth insult about the ineffectiveness of the Senate in helping out those in the Outer Rim doesn’t go unnoticed and with a brusque tone she states that the Republic wants any vital information about the recent ship disappearances (which they know Kwade has) to be dumped into their databanks.

Somewhat far from the fleet and the Dynasty a series of unnoticed ships come out of hyperspace into the system, slowly heading towards the rendezvous. 

He explains that they simply haven’t heard anything, but Organa replies that he can either give up the information or they can discuss some of the various illicit charges that have been brought up against him by various star systems. Pleasantly sighing, he agrees to get their information ready, and points out that with such a large Republic fleet, who is he to put up a fight? With a false smile, he turns to his crew and cuts communication supposedly readying the databanks for transfer, afterwards complaining to Bracett. 

On the cruise vessel Organa tells her crew to prepare for lightspeed with a specific set of coordinates. When asked why they’re departing so early she elaborates that they have other more pressing business to attend to and that she doesn’t want to deal with Kwade any more the she has too. The front section of the ship detaches and blasts off into hyperspace. 

On the Dynasty a bored Draezin begins the data dump, but is interrupted by Bracett explaining that “Coaliton” ships have arrived in the system with the Republic fleet not aware of them yet. He is slightly confused until he’s told that he’s received a coded transmission from a General Phakerem. 

Kwade’s demeanor clearly changes at this news, but without pause he receives the communication. Draezin begins to go into detail the situation, but she cuts him off, and explains that the Republic’s presence here is intolerable and must be dealt with immediately.

Slightly annoyed, he points out that their data is junk and with the red tape in the Senate by the time anyone important enough in the Republic realizes that it’ll be too late. In response she makes it clear that early word about what’s about to happen cannot be leaked in any way. 

Phakerem asks about the senator, and Kwade replies that she knows exactly where she went, and it will fit in their plans. He does wonder however if they’re playing their cards too early, but the General orders him to eliminate the problem now and ends the transmission.

Afterwards Kwade gestures an unnamed order to Bracett while issuing a message to the fleet, stating he’s just about to dump the information into their databanks. Pressing several prominent buttons near his command chair, with a slight smile he expresses his hope that “This will be the beginning of a new, more accommodating relationship with the Republic.” He lays into his chair, a smile beginning to creep onto his face.

Cut to space where several large ships creep up on the Republic fleet, particularly what appears to be a very large and sharp looking capital vessel. 

Cut to that very same ship on the bridge where from behind we see General Phakerem herself, a tall robed figure with dark hair, looking at the front window. Both she and audience see several blasters from everywhere hit the Republic ships and quickly begin to destroy them. Without the audience seeing her face she makes an order to “Get some of our ships do deal with any escape pods; I don’t trust that pirate to be thorough.” and walks off.

Cut to Tatooine where on the way back to Anakin’s home, he and Ben talk about the planet, with Skywalker describing how he and sister Beru lost their parents a few years prior, but since purchasing the moisture farm with her husband Owen, things have been looking up, especially since plenty of businesses have started to invest in Tatooine. While enthusiastic, there’s a hint of dissatisfaction in Anakin’s voice, which Ben picks up on.

The two arrive back at Skywalker’s home; with Beru and Owen both surprised at Ben’s arrival but awkwardly accept his presence there. After introductions a dinner occurs, where Ben lightly describes that he does business in the core systems, with Anakin listening in intently. When discussion turns to the recent missing ships, Skywalker guesses that the matter must be very important for him, but Ben only admits it has his casual interest and he knows some are looking into it.

Owen gets slightly put off by the conversation, but Beru in an attempt to diffuse any tension jokes: “If something like that were happening a dustball like this is probably the safest place you could be. Who’d get into danger like that by themselves anyway?” Anakin concludes that a Jedi would, which gets everybody’s attention. Beru questions if he actually believes in them or the Force, and he replies that if their stories have been around for so long, there has to be some truth to them.

Intrigued, Ben asks why he doesn’t find the concept of an energy field connecting all living things silly or the idea of a secret order or knights protecting the Republic to be a bit out there. After some thought, Anakin answers that anything that suggests that everyone is truly connected in the galaxy and that there are those dedicated enough to help people are things worth believing in regardless of how true they are.

Growing a bit fed up Owen rolls his eyes and points out that even if the Jedi do exist, why wouldn’t they use their powers and solve the real problems in the Senate? Ben shrugs and concludes that there are problems even the Jedi couldn’t solve; a point Anakin is clearly bothered by. 

Beru again attempts to dissolve any issues by stating its late and leading Ben to the guest room. At the table, Owen tells Anakin that he admires his willingness to help. Nonetheless Ben could be dangerous, and that the he needs to stay focused on his goals; on the family’s future.

Cut to the Jundland Wastes where we see a shining gauntleted hand crawl up on the edge and rising from the cliff is a heavily armored soldier (streamlined version of Boba Fett’s outfit) complete with damaged maroon, t-visor helmet. Once atop the cliff he presses a remote control, revealing a radar map with Anakin’s speeder, which the soldier starts heading towards.

Cut to Skywalker home at night where Anakin is watching the stars. Ben walks up to him commenting on the brightness of the moon that’s out, with Skywalker replying that he should see when all three are out. Ben compliments him and his immediate family for their hospitality and that he wishes he could stay longer, however certain matters need his attention. 

Anakin immediately points out it’s the missing ships and citizens. Ben admits that is one of them, and explains his intent to find a transport on the planet, which he confesses will be tricky as he has few credits on him. Nodding his head, Skywalker states that if Ben needs a pilot to get him where ever he needs to go, that with a few machinations he could take him personally on the spice freighter. 

The older man scoffs, stating that he’s already burdened him enough, and that the last thing he wants to do is disrupt Anakin’s life with a favor like this. He points out that there are likely plenty of pilots on the planet who could get him there in some fashion, and starts to head off, thanking the lad for all he’s done for him.

In response, Anakin points out that he’s never been thanked by a Jedi before, which stops Ben dead in his tracks. After a silence, Skywalker points out his survival in the crash, the abilities in the fight with the ship, and his lightsaber; he must be a Jedi. Ben points out those are all circumstantial, but Skywalker explains that deep down he just simply knows, and if a Jedi is involved then the matter of the missing ships and citizens must be much greater than he’s letting on.

Sighing, Ben admits to the truth, enlightening the younger man that his real name is Obi-Wan Kenobi, that he was sent to help investigate what was going on, and that the attack from beforehand was likely connected to it in someway. He confesses that he wouldn’t be telling Anakin any of this if he didn’t trust him to do the right thing and not let his identity as a Jedi Knight get out.

Skywalker is touched by his faith and asks if he trusts him enough to have him become a Jedi Knight. The other man is slightly surprised and says it’s not that easy; that learning it takes utmost dedication/discipline and that a Jedi’s life is not an easy one. Anakin doesn’t mind. “I’ve done easy, its not enough for me, not now.” Kenobi still expresses some doubts, pointing out that Anakin doesn’t know for certain how adept he would even be as a Jedi.

Skywalker isn’t swayed and cuts straight to the point: “Can you really say that there’s nothing in me right now that can’t be made into something great?” The older man sadly smiles and admits he can’t, but asks Anakin “Can you really say that there’s nothing here you won’t regret leaving behind?” When the younger man has no response, Kenobi understands and says both of them will find their way. He leaves as Anakin ponders his words in silence.

Cut to the capital vessel coming out of hyperspace. Inside Kwade walks through a corridor before arriving at a large hall filled with various keepsakes and war artifacts. Phakerem stands in the middle looking across them all with the camera still not getting a good look at her. Draezin comments on all of “them” being the reminiscing type and as she turns around we finally get a good luck at the front of her face, revealing a Predator like alien face with grey-green skin. 

The General responds that the room has more history in it than anything else in the galaxy, and with an eye roll Draezin points out that for both of them, they need to be concerned about the future, not the past. He reports on the status of the fleet, specifically mentioning that the upgrades have shown no problems thus far so once the work is finished and her scout ships have returned they can depart for Nar Shadda. 

She is somewhat unresponsive, still focused on the various artifacts, and saying that after Nar Shadda speed must be their top priority above everything else. 

As they continue to converse it becomes apparent the two don’t particularly care for each other, and after she makes a contemptuous remark towards his “fellow pirates and smugglers”, Kwade angrily points to the intelligence and ships his associates have supplied and without them “You and your little tribe would be still be on the edge of the galaxy licking your wounds.” Phakerem is not amused and retorts that without “their” actions they’d have neither the means to get ships or crews to man them.  

Noticing the tension, Kwade backs off and lays on the charm, opining that with both of their collective efforts; so much ground will be gained so quickly that the only real problem left will be the Jedi. When he mentions them, Phakerem becomes focused again, picking up a lightsaber hanging on the wall and activating it. She makes it clear that whatever armies Draezin’s forces want to engage with, “they” will deal with the Jedi. 

He gets intrigued and asks if the Jedi actually still know of them. The camera focuses on the general’s hands covered with energized and gauntleted gloves as she actually able to grip the beam of the saber. “They will remember.”

Cut to a spaceport where Darelda walks off her ship. One of her crew members insists on escorting her, but pointedly states that the instructions were specific, and that they can’t afford to attract attention or scare the contact off. He wishes her good luck as she orders him and the rest of the crew to get in contact with the rest of the fleet to see what they got out of Kwade.

Cut to Mos Eisley where in the speeder the family, plus Ben, arrives to do business. He and Anakin have a slightly difficult goodbye, with Skywalker wishing him luck in finding a ship. As he departs, Beru does her best to reassure a troubled Anakin and Owen points out they have much to do before mid-day. Skywalker looks back somewhat sadly at Kenobi in the distance.

Beru, her husband, and her brother make their way across the city, with the former two chatting about the farm and the latter trying to focus on the business at hand. Along the way, unnoticed by his family, he spots a shop trashed and violently robbed. Concerned, he walks over to look inside and sees the beaten and bruised shop owner who was threatened before futilely trying to clean up his store. 

He almost stumbles back, and needs a moment to take everything in. Eventually he goes into the shop directly, leaves some credits on the floor without a word, and slowly walks off. After a few moments of his head bowed in guilt, we see Anakin’s face grow very determined. He starts to head off in search of Kenobi.

Owen and Beru stop him wondering what he’s doing. He explains that he can’t in good conscience stay on Tatooine when someone like Obi-Wan needs help. “Its not like I hate being here, I like it, but there’s something I know I can do right now. Owen is outraged, but Anakin explains he won’t be gone for good and for Lars to look after his sister in the interim. Beru tries to stop him one last time, and he assures her that the two of them and the farm will be fine.

From behind the audience sees the same armored figure from the Jundland Wastes stalking the back alleys of the city.

Kenobi is walking through various docking bays, looking for potential pilots to negotiate with, when he stops, once again sensing something big coming. He readies himself and when he hears something, turns around and lifts his lightsaber to defend… only to see Anakin right next to him. Kenobi is half surprised and half amused, and asks what he’s doing there.

Slightly out of breath, Skywalker earnestly admits “If I leave this place, I’ll have some regrets, I’ll have some fears, and I know that. But there’s something bigger in the galaxy I want to be a part of. I want to find my way.” The Jedi takes this in and questions “Do you believe someone can guide you to that?” With the same determination as before Anakin responds “The Force can.” 

Kenobi is visibly pleased and after a beat states that just outside Bothan space he was supposed to rendezvous with various other Republic ships as part of an investigation before he was attacked and that hopefully some of the fleet or at least some trade ships are still there. He asks if Anakin’s freighter mentioned earlier can get them there and is told that it can.   

The young man mentions its location and starts to lead him to it, but Kenobi suddenly uses his lightsaber to block a blaster shot heading towards Skywalker. Both see the same heavily armored soldier shooting from an above floor and his appearance immediately gets Obi-Wan’s attention. The two take cover behind some nearby crates, and Kenobi realizes the pilot of the earlier craft survived.

He tells Anakin to get away and get the ship ready while he takes care of the assaulting warrior. The young man objects, but Obi-Wan says to have some faith in him. They share a nod, and after a moment Anakin blasts at the pilot and manages to get away as the latter focuses on his main target. Kenobi looks around the immediate area and spots a steel grate nearby which he uses an improvised shield for protection. The attacker continually blasts at him as the Jedi Knight climbs his way up to the same floor. 

Finally both level; the pilot attempts to shoot an overhead fixture, which Kenobi just barely dodges as it falls to the ground. Growing frustrated, the armored aggressor resorts to a double assault with a blaster pistol and wide energy waves from miniature cannon on his arm. Kenobi uses the surrounding cover to dodge the waves. 

Thinking over his options, he closes his eyes and seems to calms himself. Various blaster shots firing around him, the Jedi stands up and deflects a blaster shot at a specific angle to send it right into the arm cannon of the pilot getting his attention. 

This distraction allows Obi-Wan to get close and cuts off the tip of his blaster, but the attacker backs off again and gets out of the range of his lightsaber. Frustration is noticeable on the soldier and he tries yet another wide energy wave, but the damaged arm cannon explodes, sending him falling to the docking bay, killing him. The Jedi looks somewhat overwhelmed and climbs down. 

He approaches the slain body carefully looking it over. Slowly he takes off his helmet as he and the audience sees a familiar green-grey skinned alien underneath. Obi-Wan is shocked and quickly rushes off. He soon arrives at the docking bay and we see the freighter for the first time, a long and sleek vessel with considerable cargo space in back. Kenobi pays little attention to it and calls over Anakin who’s doing finishing touches on the outside.

Skywalker begins to describe some of the quick business they need to do before takeoff, however Kenobi cuts him off and announces that the trip must be done as soon as possible and that whatever’s going on is much bigger than a few missing ships. Anakin doesn’t fully understand, but acquiesces and tells him that if that’s the case then they’ll have to leave now before the rest of the crew finds out what they’re planning. 

Both inside the ship, Kenobi gives the coordinates for the system emphasizing that whatever they find there will be imperative. The ship takes off and flies off planet, about to go into hyperspace. As calculations are put in, Anakin iterates that the ship is prone to looking better than it flies and that light speed won’t be the easiest ride. Kenobi is nonchalant about that issue. “If what I fear is happening, we’re about to go to the farthest thing from easy.”

The ship shakes slightly before launching into hyperspace. Noticing Kenobi’s troubled face Skywalker opines that it has to be pretty bad if a Jedi is worried, a statement that causes he former to smirk and remark that it happens more often than one would think. Now serious, the young man asks point blank what happened with the attacker and Obi-Wan with a heavy sigh states that he believes it was a Mandalorian soldier. Anakin’s confused and states he’s never heard of them, and Kenobi points out that most haven’t. 

He tells a story of how over 1000 years ago, a group of skilled and vicious shocktroopers called the Mandalorians invaded the Republic, and succeeded in conquering many star systems. While they imposed their will in many occupied territories, the various Jedi Knights rallied together and fought back, and with the Mandalorian’s refusal to surrender and insistence on not often retreating, their numbers were drastically reduced. 

“The legend went that not a single one fled or was captured.” Anakin takes this in and comments “But some did get away.” Kenobi can only stare forward as the Tatooine native gets increasingly alarmed, stands up, and internally puts the pieces together, eventually wondering if they’d want vengeance enough to go after a Jedi so blatantly and reveal themselves. 

Obi-Wan replies that the Mandalorians wouldn’t just seek revenge alone and that whatever is going on is important enough to keep anyone from finding out. “We have to find out what happened to the fleet.”

Cut to the surface of Nar Shadda, where Darelda, now dressed in street clothes carefully but casually walks along the streets. The city she’s in is rife with sleaze, with all sorts of types as pedestrians, and plenty of dubious looking businesses seen all around. While she looks somewhat uncomfortable, she raises no fuss and does her best to ignore the various loud peddlers attempting to sell their wares. When a young would be pick-pocket gets close, she stares him down and he eventually runs off. 

Getting further away from downtown she stops out and of the corner of her eye notices a dilapidated office building with the Republic insignia, clearly abandoned and covered in various bits of graffiti. Organa shakes her head and continues walking, eventually arriving in small alley away from the hub of the downtown city. She stops near a series of containers and waits. 

After a few moments a soft, but hurried alien voice is heard getting closer and with subtitles we see it telling her that she’s lucky that people on Nar Shadda enjoy the night life so much, otherwise she would have been spotted easy. A male Twi'lek in a coat walks briskly to her and immediately hands her a small data cube. She attempts to get details but he explains that neither one of them has enough time for it and tells her to get back to her ship as quickly as possible. 

When he tries to walk off in the other direction he makes out a distant figure at the other end of the alley. He stops and looks back at Darelda. After a beat, he calmly tells her that as soon he turns back, that she has to run. She asks “What about you?”, but when he says nothing, she sadly understands. He readies his blaster, turns back, and starts firing at the figure while she bolts off in the other direction. 

The firing match between the two ends quickly enough as the Twi’lek is soon shot down, and lies wounded. The figure, revealed to be a masked humanoid in clothing vaguely similar to Kwade’s, walks up and finishes him off. He then readies his bowcaster rifle at the fleeing Darelda. Cut to just outside the alley where the sound of both a blaster shot and a body hitting the ground is heard. 

Cut to the cargo ship where now Anakin is seen deep in thought, only speaking to tell Kenobi they should be at the coordinates soon enough. The other man nods, and after a moment’s hesitation Anakin asks how he became a Jedi. That question brings a wistful smile to the Jedi Knight’s face, and he recalls his past, mentioning that when he was younger, he was quite reckless and adventurous. 

“Before I even knew of the Force I felt that no matter what, there was something protecting me, giving me strength.” Skywalker is delightfully surprised by this, finding it hard to believe. Obi-Wan goes into some detail about when the Jedi heard of his exploits, they made him realize he could use his connection to the Force for something far greater than seeking a few thrills. 

Obi-Wan assures him that he’ll find Skywalker an ideal teacher, and that there are countless Jedi who could do wonders for his training. Anakin asks if that includes him, but Kenobi hesitates and says that his mastery of the Force is strong, but that he isn’t certain if he himself has learned all he needs to. “Becoming a true Jedi master is not the easiest of paths.” 

Kenobi’s own master is mentioned, though not named, as someone who opened his eyes by asking him questions of all types and of matters he didn’t think about. Anakin listens intently as the Knight explains that the path of the Force will reveal many truths to him, and will have him realize points of view he never could have conceived of beforehand. With some seriousness he notes that the life of Jedi is one filled with tests, with dangers beyond even the risks of battle; adding that he’ll learn of them soon enough. 

Anakin digests the man’s words carefully and states that he’s ready for any truth, no matter what. He takes the time to say he’s glad Kenobi has brought him along, specifically referring to him as Ben and clearly looking at him with great respect and a bit of affection. “I don’t know, just being here with you, I’ve got a very good feeling about this.”

From behind the cockpit a slightly disheveled Carima emerges completely stunned by what she sees. “Have you lost your mind?” The two men turn back with Kenobi a bit confused and Skywalker a bit alarmed himself. She demands to know what’s going on and Anakin attempts to diplomatically explain that he’s using the ship for a necessary trip, but she remains flabbergasted that he’s taken a commercial property and taking it out for his own purpose.

He again attempts to clarify, but pauses and asks her what she’s doing on the freighter anyway. When she sputters some excuses, out loud he realizes that she fell asleep on the ship again, which gets her ticked and again ranting about what they’ve done. In an attempt to calm her he says that she’s got nothing to be afraid of. Unconvinced, Niwir responds: “I’m in a stolen ship with a random man I’ve never met before and a co-worker who’s apparently gone insane; what don’t I have to be afraid of?”

Anakin explains that Ben is no random man; he’s a Jedi Knight on a mission. She stares, mouth agape before asking how he knows that and how a Jedi even ended up on Tatooine anyway. The young man starts going into motormouth mode telling of how Kenobi crashed and the subsequent attack in Mos Eisley, but Obi-Wan calmly steps in and tells her that he is indeed working for the Republic and at the moment the ship is necessary for something of vital importance,

Too flummoxed to stand, she sits down and wonders aloud how she’s going to explain any of this to the boss back home, that if she gets home at all. Anakin assures here that once they can get another ship somehow, the freighter can be brought back and he’ll take full blame for the ship’s disappearance. Obi-Wan adds that she and her employer will be compensated well for any inconvenience that occurs. 

While somewhat more persuaded she asks where they’re even taking the spice freighter, with Kenobi telling her of his failed rendezvous and its coordinates just outside Bothan space. Skywalker also explains that once he heard Ben was looking into the missing vessels in the outer rim he decided to lend his help. “And drag me along with you” she grumbles. Before Anakin can assuage her more, a beeping sound is heard, and he confirms that they’ve arrived. 

He takes the ship out of hyperspace, and immediately a virtual graveyard of destroyed craft is seen, with various bits of fighters and freighters floating everywhere. All three are stunned, and a slightly flustered Anakin scans everywhere, only to say that there are no readings of active vessels anywhere in the system. Obi-Wan grimly observes that these are all the debris of Republic ships. Carima can only watch aghast at the destruction. 

There is a silence as Anakin continues scanning until he is confused by a reading, quickly describing some sort of faint signal that’s apparently in the system but its location can’t be specifically identified. Finally speaking up, Niwir points out that whatever they’re looking for, with all the debris flying around, it could be anywhere and that they can’t find it without closely scanning every bit of the remains

Kenobi however, gets an epiphany and states that Skywalker can find it, reminding him that he was able to sense his presence on Tatooine and that he can do the same here. Anakin is really not sure about that, explaining that locating one man in an empty dessert is one thing, but this is countless pieces in open space. The Jedi Knight tells him that the force was flowing in him now and just as it was then, and that whether he’s fully aware or not, he does have a command over it. 

Gently, he instructs Anakin to look past all of the debris and just feel where the signal is, all the while as Carima looks at both like they’re crazy. Skywalker obliges though, and after some visible effort and slight frustration begins to look over the cockpit window with his eyes, adjusting the vessel until he eventually stops and points to small piece of a wing in the distance. “Its there.”

The ships heads over to it and much to Niwir’s incredulity, the signal does get stronger. Kenobi listens carefully and while familiar he can’t quite place its type. “It’s definitely a Republic code, but-” He’s cut off as a loud thud is heard on the roof of the ship. The two Tatooine natives draw their blasters, while Obi-Wan confirms that wasn’t a blaster or a torpedo shot. A silver metallic figure quickly goes across the cockpit window, immediately causing Anakin to whisper that something’s on the ship. 

A fast crawling is heard on the side of the freighter, getting towards the rear. Carima starts to pilot, shouting that they need to get fast enough to knock it off, but Anakin states they don’t even know what it is. An argument almost breaks out with the two as she says that’s all the more reason to get out of here and he rebuts that this could be their only chance to find out what happened. 

Kenobi silences them both, and says that the sound has stopped. A pounding noise then starts to reverberate from the rear, and the three go towards the storage area to investigate. Skywalker and Niwir quickly figure out what’s going on with him surmising that it wants inside, and she replies they can’t let that happen. Obi-Wan calmly tells that if this were a trap it would involve a weapon, ship, or a mine; something strong and effective. 

She’s still worried. “Unless that’s what it want us to think.” Kenobi says to open the rear entrance, and Anakin goes to hit the switch only for Carima to stop him, saying that they have no idea what’s out there. He tells her with great confidence that they can handle it and “You said I was good; am I good enough for you to trust me now?” There is a couple of beats as the only sound is the continued pounding on the rear door before she finally sighs and lets him hit the switch. “Skywalker, you’re going to owe me big for this.”

The rear door opened, the pounding stops and the thing is heard coming into the storage area. The switch is hit again and Anakin notes that between the rear and mid ship doors closed they could keep it trapped if they wanted. Obi-Wan shakes his head and says they need to know what they’re dealing with. All three ready their weapons, and after confirmation by the older Jedi, Anakin hits another switch, opening the second door. 

Instantly a tall and sleek droid steps out, with attached blaster readied and covered by a bluish shield in front. A standoff ensues with Skywalker and Kenobi asking to put its weapon down and tell them what it wants. From the head of the droid emerges a jovial, but forceful voice, saying that it can do no such thing until they confirm what they’re doing here. Tensions get very heated until Niwir, somehow intrigued by its appearance notes that it’s an HX unit. 

Still with its weapon raised, the droid confirms verifies that; stating he’d be compliment her good eye if they all weren’t currently pointing blasters at each other. Either ignoring or not caring about the remark she (with a slight hint of enthusiasm) points out to the other two the rarity of such models, even on big Republic ships. The droid responds with the same level of light charm, “Hmm, it’s not often I am physically threatened by those aware of my monetary value.”

The conversation between the two brings realization to Obi-Wan, and after recalling some information, he mentions out loud that a HX unit’s in the service of Darelda Organa. The droid turns to him and says that name is not one thrown about casually. When Kenobi states that he’s looking for her for her safety, the droid responds that while he’d like to believe that’s true, he’s already seen enough, and that if he has any ill intentions towards the senator, he too can become part of the other debris floating in this system. 

Anakin shouts that it’s dealing with a Jedi Knight and things won’t be that easy. The droid receives this information with some doubt, but after examining the middle aged man closely, he acknowledges his identity as a Jedi and in turn Obi-Wan identifies him as HX-81, personal security droid to Senator Organa. Kenobi gestures for the other two to lower their weapons, which she does with some ease and he with more reluctance. 

81 recalls his blaster and dissipates his shield. Once again he looks over the Jedi Knight. “Not to be rude, but you’re a bit late.” Obi-Wan explains the surprise attack and asks what happened here. 81 enlightens the three that they were receiving information from Draezin Kwade, whom Carima recognizes as a well known criminal in the outer rim, specifically that his raiders have been stealing supplies from ships for years. 

The droid continues, describing that a large fleet of unknown vessels appeared out of nowhere and soon destroyed every single Republic ship. Carima inquires as to how he survived and he mentions in a matter of fact manner that once his ship was blown in half, he clung to a destroyed section, deactivated most of his systems, and waited till the attackers jumped to hyperspace. A touch of curiosity and unease in his voice, he says that he didn’t think any ship would find his signal so quickly. 

Kenobi quickly says the droid was lucky to be found by a future Jedi Knight, pointing to Anakin. 81 stares at the young man a moment. “Indeed.” Skywalker remains slightly stolid, though clearly pleased at the older man’s words. HX however soon goes back to the business at hand noting that their key priority is the Senator, and says that she went to lightspeed just before the attack and is presumably executing her more important mission. 

When pressed for details, the 81 simply says that he knows she was looking to gather intelligence on Nar Shadda, but that any further information about what she was planning was highly classified. Kenobi opines that if that’s where went, they have to get there soon; telling Anakin to get the ship ready for hyperspace. The droid gets in somewhat close and asks if she’s in real danger. 

“Not just her, but the entire Republic. I fear something terrible is about to happen.” From outside the jumps to light speed. 

More to come...

Will be reading this soon.  Looks good.

Finally got some continued work on this done, though its been tricky as act 2 has been the least developed before I started working on the treatment. 

 

 

Cut to the alley on Nar Shadda as before where the same masked attacker holds the data cube and looks over the dead Twi’lek, before placing the device in their coat and walking off. 

Cut to a vast and intricate ship yard where various numerous vessels, large and small are having their finishing touches put on. Kwade looks on from a set of quarters, clearly pleased at the progress. Bracett walks in and Draezin observes “Incredible works aren’t they, even if these warrior types of no sense of style.” She smirks and says what they lack in aesthetics they’ll make up for in results and best of all they get to watch.

Focusing on the business at hand she says that his guest just arrived and he has her send him in. An enthused Bothan walks in and it’s clear he and Kwade are familiar, with the former describing that all the various procedures on planet have been taken care of and that all their associates are in place. With some clear satisfaction he says their “competitors” will be more inclined to negotiate soon enough. He also reveals that someone’s already been dispatched for their Senator problem. 

The pirate is pleased by the news, his mood slightly shifting when the guest starts going into detail about how’s he already taken the initiative to personally manage operations on the planet himself given that Kwade and his partners will be busy overseeing much bigger plans after Nar Shadda. The alien emphasizes that he knows this is a surprise, but that with his connections, he’ll be better than anyone else in the position. 

There is a bit of a pause as the human considers his words. Eventually Draezin laughs and it’s just like him to worm his way into a position when the galaxy is on the verge of being turned upside down, but points out that he’s right and that the planet will need someone of experience and talents. He suggests the Bothan retrieve his specific data for the proposal, and when the former turns around to leave so, a blaster comes out of Kwade’s sleeve which he then fires. 

After a flash, the alien lies dead on the floor. Hearing the noise, Bracett comes in, casually notices the sudden corpse, and without a beat says she’ll get someone to clean up. The Chiss remarks that she had heard this one was thought of as fairly loyal and harmless enough. Kwade actually agrees, “Yes and now he’ll stay that way.” He heads off, briefly telling her to inform him once they have an update on Organa’s status and he’ll need the Dynasty ready as there’s only one bit of business left before the fleet is launched. 

Cut to the spice freighter in hyperspace. Inside Anakin and Carima sit at the cockpit. Clearly inpatient she wonders aloud how long a Jedi debriefing is supposed to take. He replies that Ben’s getting valuable information and asks what the problem is. When Niwir responds that the wait’s making her nervous, with a slight grin he points out that she didn’t seem so nervous when staring at 81. 

That brings about a flustered reaction with her defending that its not often one gets to see a top of the line Republic Security model, and that if Skywalker realized the amount of junk droids she’s had to work with over the years, he’d understand that. Carima continues that one way he can compensate her for the stolen ship is ensuring in the future she isn’t working with scrap so worthless Jawas wouldn’t take it. 

He emphasizes that when this is all over she’ll have the freighter, plenty of credits, and won’t ever have to deal with him again. That last bit bothers her a bit, though all she says openly is it figures that he’s cause her this much grief and make her find a new pilot too. He shrugs and says Mos Eisley’s crawling with pilots. In a low voice, not entirely noticed by Anakin she says “Not good ones.”

Kenobi and 81 emerge, the former looking particularly serious. He says they should be close to the planet by now, which is confirmed. The droid says that Kwayde’s been using the planet for years and they’ll need to be extraordinarily careful, which Anakin agrees with saying he’s heard stories about Draezin’s fleet. “Now it’s gotten past just a few missing ships” adds Obi-Wan. “If he’s attacking Republic agents, he’ll do anything.”

They come out of hyperspace and there some tension as they’re worried about the possibility of another sneak attack. Calmly feeling for presences in the system, Kenobi says he doesn’t sense anything hidden at the moment, with HX saying to forgive him, but he wished they had more than a single Jedi’s intuition. Anakin says a spice freighter at a busy center like Nar Shadda’s hardly out of ordinary. “If only I could say the same thing about our cargo” says Carima. . 

However, the ship is contacted by planetary security forces, asking about the nature of their business on the planet. Kenobi is confused but Anakin quietly suggest it’s probably a test to ensure, making sure anyone on the up and up isn’t trying to land. Skywalker answers that they’re just getting supplies and little more, but is asked what his clearance code is. This causes some slight dread as while 81 brings up his memory bank of different trading ciphers, Anakin says they’ll need a specific one. 

Before they can continue Carima speaks up, stating their clearance number as 6-18-67 and calling their stop as a basic pick-up job. There’s a brief pause and they’re cleared to land. They all stare at her with Anakin pointing out at some point she’s apparently acquired smuggler codes for place like this. She shrugs, a bit defensive. “What? It never hurts to be prepared.”

The ship lands at a spaceport just outside the city. Kenobi and 81 step out immediately, and Anakin indicates he’ll be going as well, specifically stating that they’ll need help in locating the senator while keeping a low profile. Before walking out he asks with Carima if she’s coming along. She giving an annoyed pout and packs along another blaster, stating that she will be along to make sure they get back. 

Skywalker questions if she’s worried they’ll take off without her, but Niwir rolls her eyes and replies that it’s more likely they’ll get themselves blasted by a drunken Sabbac player and that she can’t get compensated by dead men. “Besides maybe I can actually find some quality droids here” she adds, which gets a grin by Anakin. 

The four of them get into a lift device, a clear transport hanging and moving along a long track. They get a much more detailed look at the city which appears particularly garish and gaudy with colorful lights, loads of noise, and various crowds of pedestrians mulling about everywhere. There’s a clear contrast in the quality and upkeep of buildings with some in decay and others remarkably pristine. All throughout the metropolis there’s a consistently subtle hint of grime over everything. 

81 notes it’s not exactly Coruscant, and Carima asks how they’re supposed to find Organa in the middle of all this. Activating a device on his arm, HX explains that Darelda should be carrying a transmitter with a specific senatorial code, one that can only be picked up by Republic equipment. “Unless these types on Nar Shadda have already figured out a way to crack it” Anakin interjects, but the droid mentions in his experience even the best smugglers only typically unlock things they think to look for. 

“Their need for creativity rarely ever surpasses their immediate desire for money.”

Recalling recent events Kenobi softly says that they’ll need to be open to any clues they find regardless; they’re no longer dealing with run of the mill criminals and they might have much worse problems than that. Anakin asks what. Obi-Wan looks around, including the night sky. “For one? Time”. 

Cut to a darkened section of a room where both Kwayde and Bracett stand observing something off screen, with the former mostly expressionless and the second a touch intrigued. She casually mentions that one of their scout ships has yet to return from around Tatooine, but the pirate replies that one missing vessel is of little importance at the moment. 

Camera pulls out to reveal they are watching General Phakarem on a small, but raised platform in the middle of a vast hall making a speech. The General goes on about the countless centuries of sacrifice they have made, and that systems everywhere have grown weak, the citizens have become tired, and their officials are no longer fit to lead. Throughout the speech, small peeks are seen of her audience. 

She refers to the fact that even the Jedi no longer have the spark to be warriors or the will to preserve the pitiful galactic bureaucracy which earns a raised eyebrow by Draezin. Phakerem loudly bellows that they stand upon the precipice of history and that the future is in their hands, ready to mold. She finishes the address with a summation that few can dream of shaping the destinies of others, but their actions today will determine the fate of all for years to come. 

Camera swoops around to completely reveal large rows of armed Mandalorian soldiers, all dressed in various colored uniforms including helmets. Quick cuts also show the speech being watched by other large sets of shocktroopers on different ships in the fleet. In response to the general’s words they yell defiantly, raise their gauntleted hands, and salute. 

Bracett and Draezin lightly applaud. Her speech concluded, Phakerem sees the two of them who tell her that the upgrades are finished, the people are in place, and that unless she has anything else; they are ready. For the first time, a smile is seen on her face as she gives a single order: “Get the fleet into hyperspace. So goes Nar Shadda, so goes the Republic.”

Cut back to the streets of the city where the foursome casually walks through the markets. 81 keeps his gaze forward, while Carima and Anakin check out various knick-knacks being sold by the various shops. Kenobi remains casually alert, trying to detect anything out of the ordinary. Skywalker comments on the selection of goods with all the effort apparently going to variety not quality and Niwir reasons that even on a place like this the best stuff is probably isn’t being sold out in the open. 

Obi-Wan asks if 81’s got a lock on the Senator, but he clarifies that while he can get a general direction of the signal there’s too much interference from other transmissions to pin her location down at the moment. The Jedi tells him to keep on it and let them know if any communications out of the ordinary occur. Letting out something resembling a sigh, HX says from what he’s already overheard, it would seem ordinary escaped this place as fast as it could. 

Kenobi takes a quick look around offhandedly saying they’re getting some looks and all should spread out. They understand and separate, with Carima heading off a bit in her own direction, with the security droid doing the same. The Jedi and future apprentice stay together. A shady looking peddler walks up and deviously comments on Obi-Wan’s hanging lightsaber, saying he doesn’t quite recognize the design, is curious where he got it, and that he’s sure many would be interested in finding out. 

The Jedi gives a small smile, and comments that it’s a small trinket he bought at a nearby shop. Not buying it, the peddler asks him which store, only for the older man to wave his hand and say the line about the trinket again, which the peddler repeats with no emotion. Obi-Wan tells him he needs to get back to his important customers, which the peddler also repeats. As the shopkeeper walks off an impressed Skywalker observes “All that with just the Force.” The knight wry observes that not all will be so easily swayed.

As Skywalker looks around the city amazed, the older man glances at Anakin, smirks, and comments on his expression. “You can’t believe you’re here can you?” He admits to Ben that it’s not quite where he thought he’d be a week ago. Obi-Wan tells him he’s adjusted well considering. Skywalker enjoys the compliment, but then frowns. The master notices his look and asks if he senses something, and Skywalker states its something else. 

He says he’d always understood the Republic looks after everybody, yet there are places like Nar Shadda where there is no protection and where men like Kwade become powerful. He wonders how much worse it’d be if the Jedi weren’t in place. Kenobi takes in Anakin’s words and admits that care in the Outer Rim has seen better days, however there’s always potential for change in the galaxy. Being a Jedi means having faith in the people of the Republic and the Force. Anakin understands, but a hint of indecision lingers. 

By herself Niwir examines some small worker droids only to get bumped in to by a thin, lanky gold droid who in a slightly fussy tone apologizes to her. She is a bit confused, commenting that it’s unusual for a protocol droid to be wandering around by itself. The droid quickly enlightens her that he’s not alone and is in fact with his counterpart, but he looks around and can’t immediately find him. “Oh, this is just like him” he mutters. 

He begins to introduce himself, but is cut off by Carima who asks if he and/or his counterpart are for sale. To her disappointment, the golden droid says they’re not. Trying to explain, the protocol unit mentions that they’re supposed to be with their master, but that they haven’t seen him since he heard Republic parts were being sold and ran off. This gets her immediate attention and she asks where he headed off too. Surprised by the question he briefly stutters and points to a building in the distance. 

After getting the direction she quickly heads off without a word, leaving the lanky droid awkwardly standing there. A domed blue and white droid then wheels up to him and lets out a few chirps. “No I wasn’t being chatty, I was being polite, humans like that you know.” The smaller droid beeps out again sounding annoyed, and the taller one scoffs. “You Artoo units just don’t understand the value of good conversation.” 

81 walks up to Anakin and Obi-Wan, and when asked about his progress, replies that between being offered incompatible upgrades, mistaken for a cleaning unit, and asked three times if his restraining bolt was missing, he could only narrow down Darelda’s signal somewhat.  Skywalker begins to ask how much longer it’ll take, but Carima walks up and says that parts of a Republic ship are apparently being sold here. 

This causes momentary alarm, but Kenobi calmly tells them that they can’t jump to any conclusions until they can confirm it was her ship. Anakin volunteers to check it out by himself. Carima interjects and says she’ll be with him as they need someone who actually knows how to look for parts. Skywalker rolls his eyes and comments “Buy the wrong set of power converters one time and you pay for it the rest of your life.” Obi-Wan tells them to be careful and says he and 81 will try and locate the Senator’s signal.

Noticing the droid’s look Kenobi says they’ll be fine and HX replies “Oh I have no doubts, a couple of backwater visitors to the paradise of smugglers and pirates. What could be better?”

More to come...

Yup, more of this beast, though I am happy to say the Nar Shadda portion is turning out better than I thought. 

 

Cut to the same masked attacker of Darelda viewing Kenobi and 81 through a set of binoculars from a high building some distance away. The agent readies the bowcaster and start heading down. 

Anakin and Carima make their way through the tunnels and hallways leading into the building, and arrive at a particular garage hall with countless ship parts scattered all over the area. Both customers and shopkeepers look particularly well dressed in comparison to the typical smugglers seen beforehand. They initially give the pair a look before going back to their business. The two of them start looking around at the parts offered, trying not to look heavily interested in anything particular. 

Anakin whispers that if there are any parts here, it’s pretty brazen to outright put them on the market so quick, but Carima points out with no Republic authority, who is going to care? After checking out more wares, she spots a piece that gets her attention, stating it’s a Republic ship shield generator as she’s seen enough knockoffs to know. Skwalker wonders if it’s the one from Darelda’s ship and Niwir says they’re about to find out. 

Getting the shopkeepers attention she brings over the part and asks about its age. The former responds with a small smile and says he sold all of old non-functioning parts to pilots in the corporate sector. She gives a playful scoff and says he’s probably told the same thing to the corporate sector pilots, and he offers an innocent look, stating that might be the case. Carima says the part looks alright enough, but she’d like to have some idea as to where it’s from, just in case she needs to make adjustments to it.  

That query gets the clerk to look up with slightest hint of suspicion, and he calmly asks where they’re from with Carima saying nonchalantly saying she’s Corellian and he’s from Ord Mandell. This gets a knowing nod from the merchant who starts making small talk about both places while checking things under a counter. He is in fact readying his weapon with the other clerk in the garage doing the same. All the while he continues to talk, about to describe the better trade routes to those two planets…

Before the shopkeeper can fully turn around and shoot, Anakin blasts him, with Carima firing on the other merchant as he goes for his weapon. This quickly brings about chaos as the other aliens in the garage don’t know who to trust and everyone starts firing. Niwir and Skywalker quickly duck and hide behind a large radar dish on sale, occasionally blasting at one side of the room which has started coalescing into one group of shooters.

She curses herself for forgetting the first rule in dealing with these places: don’t ask the wrong questions. He eases her fault pointing out they probably violated some smuggler’s code the moment they started talking and probably had them apprehensive anyway. One of the garage customers gets close to the two of them but gets hit by blaster fire from the side and collapses onto the floor right nearby.  

Following that Carima emphatically notes “This situation could use some of your new skills, Mr. Jedi.” She sarcastically notes that she can clearly see how this is much better than working on a moisture farm. He shrugs. “I don’t know, between the womprat infestations and Sand People raids back home I’d call it about even.” Anakin notes that they need just a moment to slip out, but that their “friends” here aren’t exactly being accommodating. 

Niwir ponders for a moment and has an epiphany telling him to remember the trick they pulled on the Sand People a while back. Skywalker thinks it over, and responds he can think of worse ideas. “Trust me Skwalker, you already have.” She mutters while pulling out her second blaster. 

Carima tells him she hopes his aim is just as good now and he worriedly hopes the same. They get some slight distance from the radar dish before she tosses the blaster towards their attackers and with pinpoint accuracy Anakin shoots the energy pack causing it to explode. 

The impact stuns their enemies, and the two run out as he asks why she got to be from Corellia. They manage to escape through the larger hallways and the two make it outside just in time to see Obi-Wan and HX arrive. Kenobi says they heard some noise and asks what happened with Anakin replying that “Apparently they realized we weren’t ruthless scoundrels. It kind of went all downhill from there.” 

The security droid says he’s almost figured out Organa’s location, but thanks to “your particular brand of window shopping” there’s little time to find her and get out before they get the wrong kind of attention. Obi Wan hears something in the distance and comments that it may be too late for that. 

A group of speeders arrives and orders them to drop their weapons, and not go anywhere till they’ve answered some questions. Kenobi says quietly to the others that he might be able to influence them, but 81 responds that they have no time and blasts at them right before the four of them flee. 

The speeders chase after as the group ducks into a nearby alley which twists and turns until eventually reaching a dead end. The four of them turn back around and Carima asks what are the odds are the pilots can be taken out before they use potential heavy firepower.  HX responds that having done the calculation it’s probably best he not say. They ready their weapons as the speeders approach, with their guns drawn, ready to shoot.

Out of nowhere however, the various speeder pilots get picked off by blaster fire from behind. The attacking distraction allows 81, Carima, and Anakin to take out the rest. The crafts destroyed, they look to see who or what fired. Approaching forward walks the same masked attacker as before, their bowcaster rifle aimed carefully at the group, and they do the same in return. HX asks who they are. After a pause, the attacker takes off their mask to reveal none other than Darelda Organa. 

“Good question, but a better one would be where the hell you’ve been?” 

81 immediately asks how about her health, and she says sharply retorts that she’s all alive and at the moment that’s all that matters. She states that she’s assuming there’s a good reason the fleet isn’t here and the droid explains that the fleet was destroyed after she went to hyperspace. Organa curses Kwade, says she knew he would pull something, and that she should have brought a larger fleet. However HX explains that given the surprise nature and number of the attackers, they too would have been destroyed. 

The security droid says they’re still trying to figure out how the fleet wasn’t seen and the senator says she has an idea; that Draezin’s fleet has a scanner cloak. That draws a considerable hushed silence, with Carima being the first to speak. “Since when can any piloted ship ever pull that off?” 81 says that would be the most effective way for a fleet to attack out of nowhere. Organa mentions there had been rumors about such a device being developed that the Senate has been suppressing for months to prevent a panic.

Away from the conversation, Anakin thinks he’s spots something in the sky and starts examining it intently. 

The senator asks how 81 survived, the droid points to Obi-Wan, saying that Kenobi found him and they came here. Darelda looks hard at him and asks how he couldn’t think to warn that the fleet would be attacked, but the Jedi informs her he didn’t know of the assault and that he himself was sneak-attacked above Tatooine. He goes on to warn that if Kwade does possess a sensor cloak his actions aren’t just linked to the missing ships, they’re part of some larger plan, one they need to figure out. 

Organa reaches into her pocket and pulls out the data cube, and says she’s way ahead of him, describing how her informant was discovered and she only managed to escape by faking out a would be assassin and impersonating him before anyone else could go after her. Concern clearly in her voice she recalls that she’s been biding her time till she could find out what happened to her crew, as she didn’t want to risk looking up the data except back on the ship. 

Anakin notices odd activity going on the rooftops in the distance as well, worry growing on his face with each passing second.

At that point Carima gets closer and soberly tells her that the ship’s been taken apart already, and its parts being sold. She’s about to continue, but is cut off by Darelda who finishes her report by stating the crew is probably dead; remarking that she didn’t want to actually believe it. 81 adds that while the loss of them is unfortunate, their priority needs to be the cube, and between himself and the freighter they have they can personally analyze it.

After a sigh the senator looks her and Skywalker over, asking who they are. Obi-Wan begins to identify them, giving Niwir’s name and that they’re borrowing her ship. Pride apparent, he says Anakin is an apprentice that will be learning the ways of the Force. She stares unconvinced, and declares that “While I don’t know a lot about you Jedi I can’t possibly think of what’s so special about this kid that would make him you think he’s worth picking up in the middle of-” she’s cut off however. 

Anakin shouts “Ben!” which gets Kenobi’s attention and noticing Skywalker’s direction he too looks up. Astonished after seeing the same thing his student does, the two run off to the open street where the others, initially confused, follow. 

The group looks collectively to the sky where, emerging in the atmosphere, are ships and fighters of an assortment of shapes and sizes. After both sets stay in formation for a few moments the fighters break off and begin to head directly at an angle, and begin to fire. The larger vessels continue their path, forming a landing pattern. Kenobi emphatically tells everyone they need to get to the ship immediately. 

All of them start running off as the fighters’ blasts starting doing heavy damage to the city, which is now a chaotic mess filled with people fleeing or hiding. In the midst of dodging other escaping citizens, debris, and blaster shots, the quintnet find some temporary cover in another alley as they wait for an opening in the streets between fighter blasts. Heavily breathing, Organa can’t understand what Kwade has to gain by attacking Nar Shadda. 

Turning back from looking at the streets Anakin answers, saying based on those larger ships, it’s not just an attack. Obi-Wan confirms this. “It’s an invasion.” A dead silence follows as the other three take in the news. Finally HX speaks, asking how good her freighter is at avoiding warships. Niwir is still stunned by what was just said and can’t even respond leaving Organa to ask how far away the ship is. 

Skywalker replies that it’s outside the city and so not a direct target, but Kenobi grimly points out that it also means it’ll take time to get back. Studying the chaotic streets, the Jedi tells Anakin to stay in front with him, Organa and Darelda to guard their flank and 81 to bring the up the rear. He warns them to stay close, but not too close as they’ll need to be quick and maneuverable, and above all else to be alert. They all join together and head off. 

Initially they’re able to stay as a group, as bedlam ensues all over Nar Shadda with more and more fighters taking out the sorry planetary defenses set up. Quick cuts reveal armed soldiers strongly advancing all over, with all platoons being directed by Mandalorian leaders. Small droids are also flying around with some scanning for combatants on the ground and others capturing the invasion on surveillance. 

Cut to the capital vessel where Kwade, Bracett, and Phakerem watch a screen filled with several video feeds of the invasion. With some reluctance the general praises Draezin’s partisan forces on the ground, declaring that it’s going even quicker and easier than planned. Kwade visibly enjoys the compliment, no matter how strained, and replies that the progress they’re making the planet will be theirs in a matter of hours, even with pockets of opposition. 

Scanning the screen, he informs the fighters to not get excessive in their attack runs when they have ground forces to take care of any individual resistance. When this gets a look from Phakerem he defends it saying they sooner replace a few dead smugglers then they can rebuild destroyed cities. The general emphasizes their ultimate goal in control, not destruction, but Kwade shrugs and responds that he’s found that sometimes the two go hand in hand. 

While clearly unimpressed with his reasoning, something catches her attention. Staring at a particular feed she watches Obi-Wan leading the group down on the planet. Slightly interested at first her eyes go wide when he pulls out a lightsaber to defend himself from blaster fire. This image isn’t lost on Draezin who spots Organa near Kenobi as well, turning to Bracett and demands to know why she’s still alive. The Chiss stammers out that she was told the Senator had been taken care of. 

Phakerem, her gaze still intensely focused on Kenobi, calmly tells Kwade to consider himself fortunate that she’ll be able to fix his mistake. Communicating to one of her forces, she orders a specific squadron to go after the group in section 38. On the feed Obi-Wan eventually deflects a blaster shot into a surveillance droid, knocking out the feed. The general adds if possible to capture the Jedi alive.

Back on the planet the situation is gradually growing worse, as all five have their weapons out, started to spread out, and move sluggishly through the streets. They manage to reach a bridge where Anakin, Darelda, and Carima manage to make it in while HX and Obi-Wan provide defense and covering fire. When a damaged fighter attempts another run at them, it stalls and crashes right at the edge of the bridge, cutting off the latter two. 

Organa tells them they have to get to the ship, which Skywalker balks at, yelling that they have to wait for Kenobi and 81. She shouts that they’ll be able to find another route and when he asks if they don’t, her silence says everything. He still refuses to leave, but Niwir advises him that the last thing Obi-Wan would want them is for them foolishly risk themselves. Anakin calms himself and quietly says “May the Force be with you Ben.” The trio then heads off on the bridge. 

On the other side, HX observes that their options getting limited seems to the theme for this particular trip. Kenobi asks if there are any other ways back to the spaceport, and the droid replies that they don’t have quite enough time for any alternatives. Obi-Wan considers their situation for a moment and asks where a supply of speeders would likely be stored. 81 eyes literally light up and he tells the Jedi to follow him. 

On the bridge the others reach the other side, but get caught in a firefight with an invading troop. The trio takes cover behind a small building while alternatively blasting back. Organa asks if they’ve got a plan. Anakin comments to Carima that she probably didn’t pack any more blasters, and Niwir grumbles it’s hardly the biggest mistake she’s made today. The Senator then remembers something and starts checking her clothes, searching for something

Anakin looks over Niwir and tells her he’s sorry. At her puzzlement he clarifies that he’s sorry she got dragged into all this and that if they get out of here, he’ll do more than just compensate her. “I’ll get you a better ship; I’ll even get you a nice place in Mos Eisley if I can.” She gives him a small smile, and when he tells her he never wanted to do this to a friend, she calmly replies that friendships can be strange things. 

More to come... 

(Incidentally, any feedback on this treatment would be greatly appreciated, if just to know I'm not crafting a complete mess or bore of a story already)

 

 

looks I found you on this site too.  Nice!

Part 6 as act II finally ends. As long as this is getting at least I won't have to add much when making it into a script. 

Organa tells them to cut the chatter and to provide some covering fire. They hastily do so as she pulls out her item, a thermal detonator, which she forcibly throws and it rolls on the ground several meters. Carima asks what that was, but soon gets her answer as the device explodes, taking out their attackers. Anakin confirms the coast is clear and they start to run off. He mutters to Niwir that Darelda must have gotten the detonator from the assassin but she shrugs and comments that with today’s senators who knows?

The three of them reach the bottom of the hill, and see the spaceport at the top of it. They’re overjoyed at first, but soon hear the buzzing noise and they (along with the camera) turn to see dozens of speeders driven by Mandalorian troopers heading at them. Anakin whispers “Mandalorians” which gets Organa’s attention, but he yells for them to get to the ship.

They race up the hill, stopping every couple of meters to shoot back at the speeders that are getting closer and closer. Just as they are about to hit a close attack, 81 and Kenobi arrive on their own speeders blasting at them and draw the Mandalorian attackers away. Though far away, Anakin and Obi-Wan share a look, nod at each other and the former tells the others to grab on. They’re confused till they see Skywalker grab onto the Jedi’s moving speeder and do the same with HX’s. 

After dodging enemy fire both speeders crash softly onto the ground near the ship with Anakin, Darelda, and Carima jumping off just in time. The group heads into the freighter, unfortunately a squadron of troopers is quickly following. In the cockpit Skywalker and Niwir are already at the controls, and the senator orders them to take off. Carima shrugs and says that’s good enough for her. Sure enough the ship starts to take off only for a pounding on the ceiling to start reverberating.  

“We’re hearing that sound way too often today” Anakin mutters. 81 starts heading towards the exit and Organa asks where he’s going. Calmly but forcefully he asks her to excuse his temporary leave, but that they should continue taking off and he’ll be back in just a moment. She watches HX head out and can only stare at Kenobi confused when he tells her not to worry as the droid’s done this before.

On the outside of the freighter, 81 crawls to the top and sees a Mandalorian trooper. The latter has magnetic boots attaching him to craft as he blasts at it. The droids fires at them, but it has no effect on their thick armor. The soldier in turn raises its weapon, but HX quickly rushes forward and knocks it out of his hand. A physical fight ensues while the ship starts moving through the air. Inside the cockpit Darelda says whatever the droid’s doing he needs to finish quickly. 

Cut to the top of the ship where the Mandalorian uses a chain whip attached to his armor to ensnare 81, and tosses him all around. Anakin is piloting and trying to avoid a rush of laser blasts and other fighters. The droid manages to free himself from the chain and again is targeted, but manages to grab the whip and knock the trooper down to one knee, though the latter’s boots still keep him attached. Fast cut to the cockpit where Carima points to a fast fighter heading right for them. Skywalker says he’s on it. 

Back to HX who quickly ties the whip to a protruding pipe on the freighter then backs off and lies flat on his stomach. This confuses the soldier at first who then realizes he’s stuck in place as the enemy fighter is still coming towards. Anakin barely manages to maneuver the ship out of the way while the Mandalorian just frees the whip from his armor, but it’s too late as the enemy fighter slams right into him, finally knocking him off the freighter. 

Cut to the cockpit where after a beat of silence, Obi-Wan says he thinks the matter’s been taken care of. Niwir says 81 will need to be let in and Organa goes off to do just that. Skywalker tells Ben that they have slightly bigger problems, and references that there’s countless amounts of cruisers and ships doing everything they can to keep anyone from the leaving the planet. He adds that they don’t have blasters nearly strong enough to hit back. 

Kenobi asks if he can maneuver long enough till they can jump to lightspeed. The younger man glances at Carima who grins and says “Mister Kenobi, you’ve met the farmer. Meet Anakin Skywalker, the pilot.” The freighter proceeds to do some remarkable stunts, cutting it close near many ships and mostly avoiding the blasts being fired at it. He even manages to lure so enemy fighters to them, and pulls up the last moment, crashing the crafts into a freighter. 

In the back section Darelda lets in 81 who after quickly dusting himself off, apologizes for the wait, as their guest was a bit stubborn. Organa cocks her head and tells the droid with a guarded smile that she always forgets the willingness to do crazy stunts like that are apparently part of his programming. The droid says “Quite, its located somewhere my skills at sabbac and implacable manners.” The two get working the data cube. 

On the capital vessel Kwade is going slightly nuts and asks on a communicator why his forces can’t stop one damn ship. Phakerem calmly responds that the pilot’s a Jedi. Traezin rolls his eyes at this and grouses “Jedi on the planet, Jedi in space, I guess they’re everywhere now.” The General clarifies that it’s likely the same one from Nar Shadda, and given that they evaded her Mandalorian forces, there’s probably more than one. The pirate sighs and says of course there is. 

Bracett speaks up that with the Jedi is on the ship that means… but is interrupted by Kwade who angrily states they know it means. The general says that if Organa gets out their plans could get compromised. Traezin asserts that nothing is going to derail their arrangement… but just to be safe, that the ship needs to be destroyed. He looks to Phakerem for any objection given that she wanted them alive, but she responds that a few destroyed Jedi is an acceptable loss. Kwade orders his forces to focus on the freighter. 

Anakin does his best to further avoid enemy fire, but things are getting frantic. Carima prepares for the jump to light speed, telling him they need just a few more moments. Obi-Wan senses his student’s desperation, and tells him to say calm. Skywalker is too nervous and starting to panic, raising his voice to just under a yell that there’s too many ships. The Jedi Knight tells him to focus and use the Force, but the distressed Anakin replies he can’t. Kenobi tells him to let it have some control, but to no avail. 

The lead enemy cruiser creeps up and readies a large homing missile right at them. Obi-Wan closes his eyes and concentrates his thoughts. Carima says she’s just about got it, and Anakin screams that they’re about to get hit, however Kenobi intensely uses the force to manually maneuver the missile just enough to avoid the blast. Less than a moment later the freighter jumps to lightspeed. 

Back on the capital cruiser, Phakerem’s mouth curls into a frown and Bracett watches her and Traezin nervously. Kwade looks at the general and says they have an entire fleet; one ship can’t undo that. She can only stare and respond “So you say, Captain.” She states they’ll finish their plans here, and move on to phase two. Bracett is ordered to contact their ships and get them ready the movement into the core systems. The Chiss asks which ones will be going, and gets an answer from Phakerem. “All of them.”

Cut to the cockpit where Carima is overjoyed with relief, even shouting with delight. She says she doesn’t’ know what happened to the torpedo, but it doesn’t matter, they’re safe for now and goes to check on 81 and Organa. Anakin on the other hand is seriously dejected, unable to meet the gaze of the older Jedi. Rubbing his hand over his face he admits he doesn’t know what happened. 

Sympathetic, Kenobi says he tried to entirely control the Force instead of allowing it some influence over him. Skywalker isn’t swayed, repeating his line about the number of fighters. Obi-Wan takes a different tact and uses a metaphor that no matter how many planets are in a system, how many ships fly through it, the sun acts just the same. “It shines, it warms, and it gives. It helps to create life, and from life comes the Force. Trust in its power and you’ll see beyond anything, including those ships.” 

Anakin manages a smile at that and asks if Ben is still unsure that he wouldn’t be the perfect master. Kenobi smirks and slaps Skywalker on the back and tells him they have some information to decipher. The two head to the back of the ship to meet up with the others. 

More to come...

(I've been going back and editing previous portions as the treatment goes on, so don't be put off if things seem differed when looking it over.)

I've made a few attempts to read this, and keep asking myself why I can't seem to get into it, and honestly, I think it's because I'm not sure how to attack it, because of it's organization. I don't see how this is supposed to be read, it's not a treatment and it's not a script. It's something in between where I can't tell where scenes end or pick up. It's almost as if you've decided just to free write. If you want people to read it, I suggest that you go with more of a plot-oriented write that we can understand that only includes important plot points and details related to them, or if you're going to go this in depth then do scenes like in a script instead of just writing "cut to" at the beginning of certain paragraphs. That's just my opinion, because I really want to read this, but it just seems really disorganized at the moment and hard to read. I know how hard this is to do and I have a ton of respect for you in doing it, I'd like to give you feedback, it's just hard to get a feel for the story in its presentation, just my opinion.

Fair enough, and yeah taking a step back it is a bit much. Honestly I think part of me wanted to write a full blown script, but didn't want to go through the hassle of the screenplay format. I think in hindsight I wanted feedback so badly that I posted something that probably worked best as an in progress guide to me rather than something for others. While originally I was going to wait till this... thing was finished before I started writing the actual script, it might be best to just start work on it now and just finish it that way (or at the very least use only this "scriptment" for just myself and post the final results later. 

To be honest, it wouldn't take much. It's just that the paragraph organization is weird. It looks like the parts that say "cut to" seem to be the scene markers, you could just use a setting like in a treatment to divide these sections. And then capatilize important places and names. Or you could figure out a way to organize these breaks that are different from the others, maybe closer to book form, I don't know. I'm working on a treatment too that I'll eventually want feedback on, I know how much work this is, that is essentially just for us with no reward otherwise. But if you do want feedback, maybe something more focused on the bigger picture is in order for now, since if you are open to constructive criticism, things might change anyway. 

Very, very minor update as I have done some work, but am struggling to really get into the meat of the big action sequence in the third act, which you can probably guess at after you read this next bit. (This will likely be the last section I post before I turn it into an actual script). 

81 and Niwir are working on deciphering the data cube via the craft’s computer with Organa impatiently waiting. She asks how long it’s going to take, and Carima explains that it’s not a ship ideal for information retrieval. “Maybe something I fix when I get my compensation.” Darelda is confused at the mention of compensation, but 81 interrupts and says he believes he’s got it. Using his own connection to the ship and projects the information on a 3D map, and its implications soon become clear. Anakin speaks first.

“They’re invading the Republic.” Various planets are marked and the group watches in horror as they see large troop estimates making their way into loads of systems. For the first time a hint of fear is heard as Kenobi notes the prominent worlds marked for attack, saying that if they hit even a fraction of them, the damage to the infrastructure will be catastrophic. Anakin adds that if they’ve got even one working cloak, they’ll hit a lot more than a fraction. 

Carima starts shaking her head in disbelief, saying there’s no army or fleet in the galaxy large enough to pull something like this off. Complete hardness in his tone, HX replies that the pirate and his allies must have found some, but Niwir points out that a few missing ships and people couldn’t explain something this size. Skywalker looks to Kenobi and mentions the Mandalorians, however Kenobi says if they had those kind of numbers themselves, they wouldn’t have to work with the likes of Kwade. 

The senator, who’s been quietly and intensely taking in the news, loudly interjects, saying they can deal with the troop question later, and practically shouts at the droid to determine where the first attack is going to be. 81 quickly responds and internally processes it, but then pauses when he figures out the answer. Organa, very impatient, tells him to say what it is, and after looking at with almost sorrowful eyes, tells her it’s Alderaan. 

A dead silence overtakes the room with Darelda turning away from the others and quietly saying “No, no, no.” Obi-Wan opines that while there are some large agricultural centers on the planet, he can’t think of anything worthwhile that would be worth attacking and even possessing the planet wouldn’t be that valuable. Anakin suggests it might be a symbolic attack, but HX disagrees, pointing out that all of the other planned attacks make strategic sense and it’s unlikely they would waste their forces just for damaging morale. 

Carima inquires if they have any weapons or supplies on the planet, and 81 begins to reply that they don’t, only to be interrupted by the Senator who turns back around and says up until a month ago, she could have said that was the truth. With hints of guilt on her face, she explains that the Senate made a backroom deal a month ago to temporarily store a vast cache of assault ship arms and medical supplies (largely bacta) until a permanent place could be decided. 

She reluctantly agreed to it, as it was the only way to solve the in fighting on the Senate floor. 

Trying to stay calm, HX says that if they want the weapons and supplies destroyed or for themselves, they’ll cut through every single defense the planet has. Following the droid’s point, Anakin begins to do the math and say if they arrive at Coruscant and tell them the situation at the right time, but Kenobi cuts in and says that the news would still come too late. Following a beat, Niwir nods and says then they’d better get this hunk of junk to Alderaan as quickly as possible and leaves to adjust their flight plan. 

Organa appears as worried and vulnerable as she ever has, but Obi-Wan states that every Jedi is willing to lay down their life to protect the peoples of the Republic, and Anakin simply says that if someone needs his help, he’s there. 81 says she’s knows what his loyalties are. Darelda takes this show of support in, and with the faintest hint of a smile responds that “I hope that’s enough.”

More to come...

 

Accidental post, sorry. Will use this to mention that I've got the last parts of the ending done, just need to fill in the gap. 

 

Well folks, after so many months, the first draft of Son of the Suns is finished. For those who kept up, I thank you. For those just discovering this, the previous posts have been edited with the updates, and I hope you'll like it. Read along as Star Wars: Episode I draws to a close...

 

 

Cut to Alderaan, a lush and beautiful place, filled with colorful fields and clear blue skies. The architecture looks remarkably naturalistic, often built into natural land formations, such as hills and mountains. The clothing of the citizens is simple, but with touches of elegance. Few citizens barely take notice of the small freighter landing at the port 

As the ship lands, Prince and Field Marshal Bail Organa rushes over, dressed in a military uniform and no nonsense haircut. He embraces Darelda and tells her he was just about to order every Republic ship he could get to find her. She tells him that he needs to get the council and whatever forces they can muster; it’s about to be the worst day in the history of Alderaan. 

Cut to the capital cruiser ship where Bracett reports that their armies not control every major center on the planet. Phakerem and Kwade's attention is only focused on the large fleet of coalition ships formation in orbit. The general orders the last test and its confirmed that none of them can be seen with Republic equipment. The two share a look. Phakerem says they're ready. 

Cut to a grand hall on Alderaan where various officials are abuzz as Darelda shows the off the invasion plans. She says that a transport has already been sent to Coruscant to inform the senate and people are being evacuated, but the officials yell they don’t have enough ships to get civilians out of danger in time. Bail steps in and makes it clear various defenses are already being prepared and armies readied. This doesn’t convince them as they counter that their soldiers lack enough experience for something like this. 

The field marshal emphasizes that Republic support will come and that they need to hold old off any attackers until then. When the shouts start again, he silences them and says with the help of a Jedi Knight they will protect this planet from harm. The mention of Kenobi alleviates some of the more emotional council members, but many still look worried. 

Cut to an Alderaan hangar where Anakin looking at various local vessels, his brow furrowed. Carima appears and comments on him not finding anything to his liking. Skywalker explains that while they’re good ships, he’s not sure there’s not enough time to get familiar with them. She attempts to bring up his spirits, pointing out that if he got them here safe in that bucket of bolts then surely he can take on any of these. 

Things turn more serious when she asks if he’s really gonna do this, (participate in the battle) and he reiterates that no one else in the galaxy right needs more help than these people right now. She sighs and asks if he’s always been this foolhardy and she just didn’t notice all these years. He manages a smirk and says she must have been distracted by his small town charm. 

He gently grabs her hand and tells her get to a planetary safe zone wherever it might be, and that if something does happen to him to get into contact with Ben back home and tell Beru he loves her. Niwir struggles to respond and tells him to get some good fighter support when he’s flying around up there and wishes him luck. They warmly hug before they part ways. 

In a darkened war room Bail and Obi-Wan amidst a buzz of various officers, look over various war plans establishing that Kenobi will lead the armed forces on the planet if and when enemy soldiers land. The Jedi Knight notes that they have the element of surprise and that will be their greatest asset before they can get reinforcements. Organa quietly counters that the invaders might want to occupy the planet entirely, weapons cache be damned and if that’s the case surprise can only do so much.

When Anakin’s role is brought up, Organa asks how he managed to end up with an apprentice. Obi-Wan clarifies that he’s not Skywalker’s teacher yet, as he’s still debating it. The prince reminds him that he’s known Kenobi for a long time and if he’s stalling it means he’s already decided and is just reluctant to reveal it. At the Jedi’s silence Bail tells him that if he thinks he’s not the right master for him, he owes to the boy to not lie or keep him in suspense. He gets back to the plans as Obi-Wan considers what he said. 

Cut to Darelda looking over the Alderaanian city at sunrise from a high rise balcony. HX arrives and the two converse about her home’s future and the she expresses her quiet panic at the galaxy at war. 81 tells her the Republic’s been in war in millennia past and survived. “Not one with this Senate, and certainly not one with these problems.” Organa replies. The droid says they have the soldiers, have the Jedi, and have enough Senators still worth a little something. 

These words seem to have an effect and she warmly thanks him. She asks “Is all that programming too?” There’s a pause. “I’m not programmed to answer that.” Darelda smirks and they head back inside. 

Cut to hangar with Anakin getting ready to get into a medium sized fighter. Kenobi walks up and asks if he’s ready. Skywalker says he thinks so. Obi-Wan tells him to not ignore his instincts and to never let the Force stray from him. The younger man gives his assurance he’ll do that. He says regardless of how it turns out, and whatever master he ends up with, he’s grateful that everything Ben’s did for him and just wants to thank him. 

Kenobi says he can thank him when they’re victorious. Anakin doesn’t seem as convinced, and offers a half hearted “Yeah.” He begins to say “May the Force be with you” but instead just tells him to be safe. Obi-Wan nods back and the two part ways. 

Skywalker gets inside his cruiser and sees Carima is his co-pilot. He starts to address her and she cuts him off, going on a rant that even if he wants her safe, she’s there’s no way he’s going to be up there by himself, and however dangerous it might be, the two of them are doing this together, so he might as well accept it. Anakin takes this in and initially sits down without a word before finally saying “Well at least you won’t fall asleep on this one.” Niwir rolls her eyes at that but secretly smiles when after Anakin straps in. 

Cut to Darelda giving an address to the various citizens of Alderaan. This plays over various shots of Anakin and Carima’s ship taking off, Obi-Wan and 81 readying ground forces, enemy ships coming out of hyperspace, Kwade basking in confidence in his command chair, Phakerem placing her command helmet over her head while standing amongst Mandalorian troopers, and Bail Organa seriously studying the holographic map of his soldiers.

The senator's speech speaks of the treasured nature of the planet and its long history and culture. She iterates that they have not spent centuries molding, building, and loving their homes to see it destroyed for the purpose of criminals and despots. Darelda speaks that if the Republic is to go to war than this world will demonstrate to these invaders what their sovereignty and their welfare means to members of the Republic. “Let history write that this was our home’s greatest day.”

The various fighters and armies report in, and soon the battle begins. Kwade reacts with noticeable anger when he realizes the world is already prepared for an attack. Realizing that Republic forces might be coming he tells heavy cruisers to land on the Alderaan and deploy their units as quickly as possible and for all fighters to tie up planetary defenses. From the command center Bail orders all fighters to slow down and damage any cruisers they can and to evade enemy fighters for as long as possible. 

In space Anakin’s ship skillfully avoids getting blasted by various fighters, with Carima doing the actual fighter blasting. She says with the sensor cloak it’s hard to hit anything and he suggests firing to confuse them or keep them away and consider any direct hits as an added bonus. They along with various other ships attempt to halt and delay the big cruisers but some get through, including the one carrying the general. 

In that ship Phakerem prepares for landing and is told that many major areas are scanning as abandoned or heavily shielded. When asked if they should begin occupation movements she states negative and that their primary targets are the fortified weapons cache bunker and the capital, adding that once both are taken the rest of planet will not matter. The ship sets down just outside the weapons cache area as she leads a large battalion forward. 

In the fortified bunker holding the wapons cache Kenobi and HX stand ready behind unit after unit of Alderaan troops, the soldiers themselves looking quite nervous. The droid says if what’s out there is anything like on Nar Shadda, this defense could be gone real quick. Kenobi tells him that the most of the Mandalorian troops relied on enemy unfamiliarity to win, and they won’t have that advantage this time. 

81 replies “No, just overwhelming numbers, advanced weapons, and fanatical devotion. You’re right; I can practically see our victory now.” They hear the sound of approaching troops and Obi-Wan tells him they’re about to find out. 

Cut to the war room with the field marshal trying to direct evasions and attacks with him clearly frustrated that the sensor cloak is crippling their movements. Darelda suggests they coordinate ship formations so their smaller ships have a visual view of the battle at all times. Bail orders this, and when his general notes that with the number of ships they’ve they can’t afford to spare many, Organa responds that until they can see the enemy, they’ll lose a lot more. 

Skywalker and Niwir manage to shoot down a fighter, and initially celebrate, but have to refocus as more enemies appear forcing them to evade once again. 

On the planet the first wave of the enemy race towards the bunker, a mix of Mandalorians officers, with general soldiers utilizing artillery and acting as infantry. A series of small weapons platforms on the building blasts away at them, hitting a few scattered targets. Phakerem leads near the front, commanding her seconds no backwards movements unless ordered otherwise. 

Inside the bunker Obi-Wan and HX have their weapons ready, until the droid stares at something on the ceiling. He points it out and asks Master Kenobi if he cares to climb. 

In the fighter Carima and Anakin are starting to sweat under the pressure with the latter noting there’s just so many enemy fighters and the former wondering how much longer they’re supposed to evade everything and actually make a hit. He says they’ve got to keep going. 

Back on the planet enemy forces destroy the gun platforms and breach the bunker. The initial forces manage to get inside, only to be engaged by the Alderaan troops. Before infantry can gain any ground 81 and Kenobi drop down from behind and take a number out. The Jedi knight orders everyone to move forward and spread out against the invaders as the two sides begin to really take each other head on. Closer to the entrance, Phakerem marches to the front and personally leads a Mandalorian platoon inwards. 

With a rush of fighters swarming their ship, Skywalker and Niwir are just about crack with her telling him to retreat. He starts doing so as swarms of lasers blast all around them, his face full of panic. By happenstance he gets a look at the sun in the system. Staring at it with quiet intensity, he doesn’t hear Carima’s hurried questions directed at him. He briefly closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, focuses with the Force, and then without a word turns back and zips towards the fighters. 

Niwir asks what the hell he’s doing and Anakin clarifies that he can sense where they are, effectively overcoming the sensor cloak. He proves this in predicting a squadron of fighters coming up the rear and successfully luring them into crashing into one of their own larger cruisers. He signals for other fighters for form up with him and follow his lead and instructions. 

On the planet, the various soldiers on both sides get closer with individual small fights becoming scattered all over the front sections of the bunker. Kenobi and Phakerem take out various soldiers before finally the former spots the latter. Realizing she’s the greatest threat, Obi-Wan gets her attention and with the generals obsession with Jedi, she gladly follows him when he lures her away from the main battlefield. 

In the war room Bail and Darelda notice Anakin’s success and spotting fighters and the fleet general asks how he’s pulling that off, to which the Senator answers that the Force is with him. He replies that they’ll have to hope it’s with the rest of them as well. He gets a communication to Skywalker and tells him to lead and inform a squadron. 

In the fighter Anakin does just that, getting a group of fighters in position and ordering them to attack one of the larger freighters on his mark. 

On the Dynasty Bracett tells Kwade that one of the enemy ships is appears to be spotting their fighters, in spite of the sensor cloak. Traezin can only mutter “Jedi…”

In the bunker 81 battles various lower ranked Mandalorian soldiers, at one point literally jumping over them onto the wall, latching on to it, and firing on them below. 

Not too far away, Phakerem and Kenobi finally clash with the Jedi seeing her activate her energy gauntlets and state that they’ve been waiting centuries for this day.” Obi-Wan grimly inquires “To subjugate innocent people, to destroy the Republic?” She smiles. “To save the galaxy.” She swings at him. 

Kwade watches enraged as Anakin’s squadron is starting to gain some progress in the battle. He directs more units to target all ships in it, the leader especially. 

Skywalker is getting a bit tired giving various orders and Carima asks how long he’s going to keep this up, and he declares that until back up forces arrive, they’ve got no choice. Suddenly they both notice a large misslie shot out by one of the cruisers heading straight for them. They break off from the squadron as he tells Niwir to focus on enemy fighters; he’ll deal with the missile.  

In the bunker Kenobi and Phakerem go toe to toe as its her energy gauntlets vs. his lightsaber, with both barely missing each other all the time.  

She lays out how weak the Republic has become over the centuries and that the Jedi are have grown to blind to see that the body they’ve sworn to protect is worthing nothing except to put out of its misery. Kenobi forcefully responds that their oath to justice doesn’t end in imperfect times and they they will fight for peace no matter the circumstance, and certainly no matter the enemy. Phakerem with a devilish smile asks if that platitude goes for his young Jedi ally, which Obi-Wan immediately reacts to, even more so when she guesses “not just an ally, an apprentice.”

In the war room, Bail states with uncertain optimism that they’ve reached a stalemate in the orbital fight, however Darelda alarmingly yells that enemy units have started overruning their planetary forces. Various artillery weapons start hitting the building as even underground, those in the room sense shaking. The fleet admiral starts ordering a small number of ships back the planet saying they have got to hold on. 

81 is in the thick of battle, being told that enemy forces have breached another defense in the bunker. “Damn the maker, they aren’t getting to those supplies!”

Above the planet, Skywalker’s fighter is being chased by the missile with them keeping ahead some small distance while Niwir’s laser shots doing nothing to take it out. 

In the Dynasty, Kwade stares stonefaced at the readings and orders another missile shot out. Sure enough Anakin and Carima spot it, with the former’s eyes going wide and quickly looking at Niwir who shares his expression at but then surprisingly looks at him with a small smile and says “Anakin, you are that good.” Skywalker’s spirits lift up immediately, and with a sigh he closes his eyes and concentrates with the Force. 

In the bunker, the general is gradually winning the fight with the Jedi, grabbing his lightsaber with both hands and slowly moving it towards Obi-Wan’s throat. She gloats that Kenobi’s student will fall or realize his place in the new galaxy that will soon be born. “There will be no new Jedi, because the Jedi are not fit to live anymore.” This sets off Obi-Wan and with a roar he pushes her off using the Force. Looking her right in the face he states “That boy will be Jedi, and so will many others.” They both rush forward at each other. 

Outside both missiles are heading towards the fighter, but with great effort Skywalker shifts the trajectory of one missile just enough to crash it into the other, destroying both in a huge explosion. Anakin and Carima both scream in celebration while on his ship Traezin completely loses it, ordering every single bit of firepower they’ve got in reserve used as quickly as possible. “I want these fighters gone. I don’t care how you do it.” 

At that various large cruisers start readying their heavy weapons and more fighters released. Realizing their odds, Niwir and Skywalker share possibly their last conversation; him speaking first with a sad smile. “Wish I could have gotten you those droids.” She shrugs. “I’ll live.”

On the planet, a slightly damaged 81 and Alderaan soldier defeat the last of a platoon, but the latter spots another unit coming in the distance and HX confirms that several larger ones are already on their way. They share a look and then ready themselves for whatever arrives. 

The war room is almost falling apart as the building shakes more and more from the damage by the enemy. Bail reports ground forces overrun, orbiting fighters outnumbered, and that they can’t take more structural damage. He starts to prepare evacuations, but Darelda points out the readings on the scanner showing vessels coming out of hyperspace  

On the Dynasty Kwade witnesses the same thing, but Bracett verbalizes what it means. “Those aren’t ours.”

Sure enough a load of Republic ships start appearing in the system and start blasting away at the enemy and heading towards the planet. Anakin and Carima embrace in celebration, with the former so into the moment, he kisses her on the cheek. There’s a pause, but she smirks and the two embrace again. 

Obi-Wan and Phakerem are caught in a stalemate, but once she recieves the news about the Republic ships via her headset, her concentration notably slips. When Kenobi snarks about there being no new galaxy today, she angrily takes a swing, ony for him to trip her, causing her to briefly lose her balance and bend her head over. Finally given his chance, he kicks in the right elbow, driving her gauntlet right at the edge of her helmet, just scorching her head. 

She cries out in pain, but before the Jedi can finish her off, a platoon of enemy soldiers arrives and starts firing, driving him away as she and the various units start to flee. 

Traezin on the Dynasty orders a massive evacuation, telling all forces back to Nar Shadda. He spots Anakin’s ship one last time and glares before getting the cruiser to hyperspace. All coalition fighters flee quickly with large cruisers either following shortly afterward or picking up infantry on the ground, including an injured Phakerem, now more angry than pained. Massive amounts of forces quickly depart all over.  

Anakin and Carima’s ship, (along with other Alderaan fighters) flies over the planet, and eventually hovers near the bunker. To their great relief they see both Obi-Wan and HX just outside it waving them down.    

Wipe to the war room where the Organas discuss the immediate repairs and supplies the planet needs, with him giving her support when she says it’s going to be a nightmare getting anything from the Senate with the invasion. She adds that the upcoming election has been completely thrown in disarray with Montross’ reelection bid likely dead in the water and Valorum’s backers probably diverting their support elsewhere. Bail brings up Palpatine running, but she doubts him given he’s a virtual nobody in the Senate. 

He says for the moment they need to focus on what they can do here. 81 comes in and says one of the medical teams discovered something from a blood test on the enemy soldiers. He hands them a pad where they examine the data and react. Bail says they're all the same, and struggles to speak to what it means. Darelda, however has no such reservations and states it out loud. "It’s a clone army."

Cut to the capital cruiser where Kwade reads aloud to someone offscreen the report from their forces. “We’ve already taken a dozen planets. Alderaan or not, advance warning or not, I call this a victory.” Camera follows his gaze where we see from behind raw cybernetic implants implanted onto Phakerem. “Not yet.”

Cut to the Lars homestead where Anakin is in the middle of an explanation of Owen and Beru, stating that with what they've already accomplished he's now in a good position the make things better for a large number of people in the galaxy. Owen can only stare at him stone faced with Beru doing her best to put on a sympathetic air, but the disappointment is still clear on her face. Skywalker mentions that he'll send some credits back the farm when gets the chance, but Owen speaks up and cuts him off. 

With barely restrained anger, he tells Anakin that they don't need occasional money while he's off on some ridiculous quest. They need him back home. Anakin looks to his sister for support, but she looks back at him sadly and points out he said he would be back, but he's returned just to say they won't be in their lives anymore. She asks if he expects her to just be on a happy face and be thrilled that she'll rarely see him anymore. 

This weight of the words clearly hangs over Anakin, but he replies that surely there's a way for him to do what's necessary but still be part of their lives. However Owen can only shake his head and respond that man he wants in his live is the loyal, hardworking, farmer; the man he's grown to respect. "Whoever this crazy fool standing in front of me is, I don't want him on this farm. He walks out the room, frown hiding the sadness in his eyes. 

Skywalker tries one last time to appeal to Beru, but she tells him that he should go for now. Anakin is hurt by the sentiment, but holds his composure and hugs Beru, telling her he'll be alright, and they'll be okay with the farm no matter what. "I wish I could believe that as much as you do." she replies with a sad smile. The two share a final look before going off in separate directions. 

He walks out of the home and he along with the audience see Carima leaning against the spice freighter, with her already sensing his hurt and appearing sympathetic. She asks how bad it went, as Anakin can only quietly retort in a quiet voice that it was indeed quite bad. She throws in a quick reassurance that Owen will get over it eventually, but even she doesn't seem to fully believe it. 

Anakin confirms that she's gotten a lot of her compensation and he asks what she's planning now that she's home. She notes that with Nar Shadda occupied and the trade routes no longer safe thanks to the war, she'd prefer some more permanent work, maybe something on Coruscant. He's a bit confused, but asks if she has anything specific plans in mind. 

She grins, and says "Yeah, one thing" before embracing him in a kiss. He's pleasantly surprised, and says that can work. She walks to the ship, commenting that is she's changing jobs, she could use a nice cruiser. Anakin's eyes go wide. "A new cruiser?" She shrugs and sly smirk on her face states "I told you'd owe me big Skywalker." The young man pauses, shakes his head with a smile, and walks after her. 

On the ship Kenobi notices Niwir with a raised eyebrow, and Anakin casually mentions that Carima will be joining them. Obi-Wan gives a knowing nod and says nothing. Everyone gets in their positions and Anakin wonders if he can handle Coruscant. The Jedi master replies that he'll have to come with him to Coruscant if he is to learn the ways the Force, that is if he still wants him as his master.

Anakin looks back at Carima, who's happy for him, and he gives a small but energetic smile before replying "Offer accepted, Master Kenobi." Skywalker says nothing afterwards, his look towards Ben clearly is one of thanks. From outside the ship blasts off to hyperspace.

The End. 

 

As I've said before, any feedback would most appreciated. Those who want a full copy, just hit me up and I'll send it to you. Don't know how soon I'll start heavy work on episode II, but just completing Son of the Suns (even a first draft) is tremendous relief. 

I read it in toto a few days agogo ;]

There were certain images and lines that made me go "oooh, I like that"

I can see this as a graphic novel pretty well, which I think is a good thing about the imagery.

The format worked for me because I've had the same struggle, not wanting to conform to a screenplay format but not having a full-blown novel either.

I'm not sure about the R2/3PO cameo :p But then again...I want them as full-fledged characters in my version.

It's really hard to give constructive criticism! It all worked coherently, made good connections between characters, good story. My creative energies have been near zero for awhile since there's so much I need to be doing, but once I can get my story more coherent, my own approach will hopefully add something to the thinking about the prequels.

On a different, more futile note, actors cross my mind to play the roles. Arthur Darvill was one for Obi Wan, but I mostly dismissed the idea early on, but looking again, I think he could make a worthy choice.

Thanks a bunch for the feedback Mrebo! Honestly I can see some flaws already (Darelda drops out of the action too much in the last third, Kwade and Phakerem's feel like they should be interacting with the protagonists more, and the decaying nature of the Republic seems more told than seen), but the fact I finished the whole thing was a big enough deal in and of itself. 

Artoo and Threepio cameo is there for a fun shout out and because I really love the idea of those two off in their own adventures while the major story is occurring. I'm planning to have them appear briefly in the next two episodes both to have the audience wondering just what they're up to and to in a way have it so that if you were to watch the films in sequence, ANH feels like the droids finally getting their own story. 

Really one of the most difficult parts in writing it was getting that good balance of fitting into the universe of Star Wars without feeling derivative of the original films. The references to various things (Kessel, Sand People, sabbac) is one of the key points, working as universe building for newcomers, and recognizable points for old fans.

In all honesty aspects of the plot do feel similar to ANH, but that's largely deliberate, to show the parallel between Anakin and Luke, demonstrating how alike and different they are. Plus to me the key thing is tone. Episode IV is triumphant with the plucky rebels finally gaining ground against the massive and cruel Empire.

Son of the Suns is designed to be profoundly bittersweet, especially the ending. Yes Anakin is on his way to being a Jedi and is involved with Carima, but Alderaan is damaged, the galaxy is going to war, there's a rift with Skywalker's only family and decline of the Republic is becoming apparent in obvious ways (senatorial problems, crime) as well as subtle ones (the possibility of Palpatine's election to Senate presidency). I know the key draw is a kick ass space adventure (hence the action bits), yet I also think the proverbial storm clouds need to seen in the distance. 

You give yourself good constructive criticism. I do see what you mean. I was at first confused by an alien female Organa, expecting (of course) to see Leia's adoptive father we hear so much about in the OT. So making sure she is a consistent presence makes sense. It is a tough thing to do...you inspired me to open up by word doc, I have these two story lines of characters ostensibly on the same side, and very male heavy. Did that issue inspire you to go with the strong female Organa?

Your droid idea might just work after all, I look forward to seeing how else they crop up.

There were lines and moments where I thought, there's something familiar about this place, but I couldn't put my finger on it, so I thought you struck a pretty good balance there.

My first outline's finale went in the direction of a WWII-inspired night before the war, lovers in the city, then looking out over the view on Coruscant, the next day the big battle is won, but the implications of a start of war are bittersweet. The sentimentality (and visions of Lucasian love scenes) has demotivated that idea...but what I'm trying to say is that the bittersweet aspect resonates with me as it's the story of old and new ties strained.

Finishing it is a big deal!

Organa in general is a tricky character; I wanted her spotlighted because her connection to Leia will allow the audience to connect with her quickly enough. The real complex aspect is making her (and to a lesser degree Bail) have enough qualities similar to her daughter so that in a sense you can see where she gets a lot of her personality, without making the former seem like a copy of the latter.

What I'm leaning towards with future drafts is emphasizing both a hint of professional condescension (she is a Senator traveling with a strange njedi and two backwater strangers after all) but also sense of melancholy about what's going on with the Republic. You do see a bit of that Organa snark that Leia adopts, but there's also a sense that Darelda is bottling up and repressing more than her daughter ever does. 

As far as female characters, that's really a reaction out of the fact the originals are wildly imbalanced gender wise. Having both Carima and Darelda as main characters was a way of mitigating that, as well as the  roles of Bracett and especially Phakerem.

Really the Mandalorian Coalition was designed to ideally work as antagonists while still being contrasting with the Imperials. The Empire is uniform, made up of cold steel, human as well as male centric, and above all a sense of professional efficiency.

The enemy in my prequels made up of Kwade's forces and the Mandalorians is by comparison a patchwork alliance; filled with stolen ships, conflicting agendas, and a mix of different alien criminals as well as clones of all types, with only the shared appearances of the actual Mandalorians providing any real consistency. 

They are threatening, but while the Empire embodied the cruel, crushing boot of military fascism, the Coalition signals dominion of decadent despots like Kwade or the violent and radical galactic planners like Phakerem (who in the next episode is seen formulating and initially implementing a Great Leap Forward-esque reform for their occupied territories). 

Minor update: In the process of converting the above script-ment into a an actual screenplay. Also have the basics of A Galaxy's Fury figured out, should have portions of that posted soon.